If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.
You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.
If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'
I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.
You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!
Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.
I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.
Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.
For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.
The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.
I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.
I teach a Bible study for homeless guys in downtown Atlanta every week. Been doing it for years. That's the guys I'd rather go talk to. I'd rather take my act outside the church.
