Hitch Quotes

[first lines]
Hitch: Basic principles: no woman wakes up saying, "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" Now, she might say, "This is a really bad time for me," or something like, "I just need some space," or my personal favorite, "I'm really into my career right now." You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? Because she's lying to you, that's why. You

understand me? Lying! It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is, "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly, "Try harder, stupid." But which one is it? Sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; thirty percent is your tone. So that means that ninety percent of what you're saying ain't coming out

of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings. What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic principles: no matter what, no matter

when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom.

Vance: [grabs Hitch by the wrist] You see what I'm doing? This is what I'm about - power suit, power tie, power steering. People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want.
Hitch: Oh! So that's, like, a metaphor?
Vance: Oh, yeah.
Hitch: Right. Well, see, I'm more of a literal kind of guy. So when

I do this...
[he reverses the grip, twists Vance's arm back and slams him on the table]
Hitch: This is more like me saying that I will literally *break your shit off* if you ever touch me again. Okay, pumpkin?

Allegra Cole: How did you know all that stuff about me?
[Hitch looks away]
Allegra Cole: Well, you really did your homework. Like at boarding school, when everyone used to tease me because I couldn't whistle?
[Hitch looks up, confused]
Allegra Cole: And having him dance like a buffoon, knowing that I can't dance,

either? Then telling him to drop mustard on his shirt so I'd feel like less of a dork? That was all you, right?
Hitch: No. Hell, no.
Allegra Cole: That was him?
Hitch: That's got Albert written all over it.
Allegra Cole: Did you put him up to the inhaler?
Hitch: [stunned] Stop

it. He did not show you that.
Allegra Cole: He chucked it right before he kissed me.
Hitch: So, wait. That stuff... worked for you?
Allegra Cole: It was adorable.
[they both laugh]
Allegra Cole: What *did* you do?
Hitch: [smiles] Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Sara: Why don't you go hit a titty bar with your buddy Vance?
Hitch: Wow. I don't believe this. That's your source?
Sara: You buried yourself, Alex.
Hitch: Then you weren't listening.
Sara: I heard every word. You're a scam artist. You trick women into getting...

Hitch: Into getting out of their own way, so great guys like Albert Brennaman have a fighting chance!
[host gestures for him to leave]
Hitch: Okay, no, no, no, no. I want everybody to take a good look at this right now. Because this, this right here, this is exactly why falling in love is so goddamn hard!
Speed Dating Guy:

Sir, let's go, now.
Hitch: And Vance Munson is a pig! And I refused to work with him. You need to get your facts right. It's because of jerks like him that I even have a job... *had* a job!
[walks away]
Sara: Can you believe that guy?
Casey Sedgewick: Actually... I do.
Sara: [dejectedly] Me, too.

Hitch: Now, on the one hand, it is very difficult for a man to even speak to someone who looks like you. But, on the other hand, should that be your problem?
Sara: So life's kind of hard all around.
Hitch: Not if you pay attention. I mean, you're sending all the right signals - no earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled

back, you're wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it. And if that wasn't clear enough, there's always the "fuck off" sign that you have stamped on your forehead.

Vance: [after telling Hitch that he only wants a girl so he can sleep with her] No, I was told that you help guys get in there.
Hitch: Right, but see, here's the thing - my clients actually *like* women. "Hit it and quit it" is not my thing.
Vance: Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi, I need professional help.

Hitch: Well, *that* is for damn certain.