Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

[at a brothel, a la Ricky Ricardo]
Neil Patrick Harris: Pooo-sy! I'm home!

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Harold Lee: Can we have the right to make a phone call?
Ron Fox: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry. You want rights now. You want freedoms. Right now. Is it time? Is it freedom o'clock?

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Deputy Frye: I assume Secretary Whitmore is coming?
Ron Fox: Negative. He's on an ice fishing trip in Glacier Bay. I'm in charge while he's gone.
Dr. Beecher: Well, shouldn't he be alerted? Isn't this issue of more importance than an ice fishing trip?
Ron Fox: Who are you again?
Dr.

Beecher: Dr. John Beecher, Vice Chairman of the NSA.
Ron Fox: Yeah, well, listen Dr. Dipshit - you've obviously never been ice fishing before.
Dr. Beecher: No, I haven't.
Ron Fox: Well it's fucking exhilarating.

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Light-Skinned Black Security: [after Kumar walks through metal detector] Sir, I need you to step aside please. I need to search you.
Kumar Patel: Did I beep?
Light-Skinned Black Security: Oh no, you didn't beep. Just a random security check. If you can just step aside, please. Just over here.
Kumar Patel:

[stepping aside] Random, huh?
Light-Skinned Black Security: Yeah.
Kumar Patel: So this has nothing to do with my ethnicity?
Harold Lee: Come on, just do what the guy says.
Light-Skinned Black Security: Sir, it's our job as airport security to search for all possible weapons or illegal drugs.

Kumar Patel: So just because of the color of my skin you assume that I have drugs on me? Are you a racist?
Light-Skinned Black Security: Racist? Dude, I'm black!
Harold Lee: He's black! He's not racist!
Kumar Patel: [laughing] Please, dude. You're barely even brown. Compared to me, you look like Matthew Perry.


Harold Lee: No...!
Light-Skinned Black Security: Hey, who you callin' Matthew Perry, bitch?
Kumar Patel: I'm calling you Matthew Perry, you Matthew Perry-looking bitch!

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Kumar Patel: Harold Lee, I'd like to introduce you to an invention of mine.
[holds up bong]
Kumar Patel: Meet the smokeless bong.
Harold Lee: You made this?
Kumar Patel: You know I did. When you were slaving away at work, I was actually being a productive member of society.

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

[upon seeing Kumar lighting up bong in airplane bathroom]
Old White Woman: [yelling] Terrorist!

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Kumar Patel: This car is frickin' sweet!
Harold Lee: Oh yeah! Yeah, it's sweet! 'Cuz we're fugitives. Driving a yellow convertible with the top down, dressed like assholes!

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

[at the Klan bonfire]
Harold Lee: I did knee an Indian guy in the balls.
[uproarius laughter from the Klan]
Archie: Send those Indians back to Africa.

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Kumar Patel: Are all the guards in Guantanamo Bay gay?
Big Bob: Fuck no! There ain't nothing gay about getting your dick sucked! You're the ones that're gay for sucking my dick!
Kumar Patel: What?
Big Bob: In fact, it creeps me out just being around you fags! Alright, get down on your knees and open your

mouths.
Harold Lee: Why don't you kick our asses instead?
Big Bob: GET ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES NOW!
[they comply]
Big Bob: Hope you boys like extra mayo.

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Kumar Patel: What's up with this party?
Raza: What do you mean?
Harold Lee: There's exposed vagina all over your house.
Raza: Oh, yeah, that was my idea. I don't know about you guys - I'm sick of all the hype over topless.
Harold Lee: Really? I always liked topless.

Raza: Yeah, well I'm starting the bottomless trend! Hence the bottomless party.

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Mr. Lee: [in English] Look, we have been American citizens for over 40 years. Now frankly, I find this very offensive.
Interpreter: [to Fox] They're using some sort of dialect I've never heard before. But I'm pretty sure he said something about going on the offensive.

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Lt. Derek Davis: All right. Cockmeat sandwich time. You know the drill.
Terrorist #1: [referring to Harold and Kumar] What about them? They just got here.
Lt. Derek Davis: Hmph. Big Bob's looking after them.
Terrorist #2: Big Bob.
Terrorist #1: Big Bob!
Terrorist #2: [to Harold and Kumar] Hope

you like doughnuts.

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Travis: Look what we got here, brothers!
[pulls off Harold and Kumar's hoods]
Kenny: Mexicans!
Travis: Lynch them!
[Harold and Kumar start running, with the whole Klan in pursuit]
Grand Wizard: Come on, let's chase them back to the border!
[Grand Wizard trips and sets himself on fire]

Grand Wizard: Oh, pussyfart.
[Grand Wizard burns up]
Archie: Well, should we put it out or what.

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Neil Patrick Harris: [High] Did you see that unicorn? Its horn was so shiny...

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Harold Lee: Why does everything has to be a huge argument with you, man?
Kumar Patel: Because this is America, dude, and as long as I have my freedom of speech no one's going to shut me up.

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Harold Lee: [while running through jungle with Kumar] Watch out for cheetahs! This is cheetah turf!

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Big Bob: I'm Big Bob. You boys ready for your cockmeat sandwich?
Harold Lee: Uh, no.
Big Bob: Well you better get hungry real fast... because I've got a whole lotta sandwich waiting for you!

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

[first lines]
Kumar Patel: [taking a dump] Oh God, dude!
Harold Lee: [in shower] What the fuck? What the fuck? What are you doing?
Kumar Patel: I'm taking the most incredible dump of all time, man.
Harold Lee: You couldn't wait until I got out of the shower?
Kumar Patel: Um, may

I remind you that we both just ate 30 burgers and 4 large orders of fries?
[continues to take a dump]
Kumar Patel: Don't worry, in a little bit I'm sure it'll hit you too.
Harold Lee: Maybe, but I'm going to wait until you get out of the shower!
Kumar Patel: Well don't wait too long. We gotta leave for the airport in an

hour.
Harold Lee: An hour?
Kumar Patel: Uh-huh. Oh, hey, Roldy?
Harold Lee: Yeah?
Kumar Patel: Nice pubes.

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Kumar Patel: [to illegal immigrant] I'm telling you Jorge, the first thing you have to do when you get to America - buy a device called TiVo. Okay? Freedom means nothing if you're a slave to regular programming. I promise you that.

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Vanessa: Did you take calculus in high school or something?
Kumar Patel: No, actually my dad taught me in sixth grade.
Vanessa: [laughing] What are you, like Doogie Howser?
Kumar Patel: No. Although that would be incredible. He's my hero. I love that show.