Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay Quotes

Kumar Patel: [reciting the poem 'The Square Root of 3'] I fear that I will always be / A lonely number like root three / A three is all that's good and right, / Why must my three keep out of sight / Beneath a vicious square root sign, / I wish instead I were a nine / For nine could thwart this evil trick, / with just some quick arithmetic / I know I'll never see the sun, as 1.7321

Such is my reality, a sad irrationality / When hark! What is this I see, / Another square root of a three / Has quietly come waltzing by, / Together now we multiply / To form a number we prefer, / Rejoicing as an integer / We break free from our mortal bonds / And with a wave of magic wands / Our square root signs become unglued / And love for me has been renewed.

Kumar Patel: So you get high and you put other people who smoke weed in jail?
George W. Bush: DUH!
Kumar Patel: That's so hypocritical!
George W. Bush: Oh yeah? Well let me ask you something, Kumar, do you like giving hand jobs?
Kumar Patel: No sir.
George W.

Bush: Do you like gettin' hand jobs?
Kumar Patel: [smirking] Heh, yeah.
George W. Bush: Yeah well, that makes you a fuckin' hypocriticizer too, so shut the fuck up! Now smoke my weed.

Neil Patrick Harris: Anyway, last day of shooting, I told her. I said... "T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up."
Kumar Patel: Why did you do that?
Neil Patrick Harris: I didn't think I could take on that kind of responsibility. It was such a big mistake.
Kumar Patel: Why? I mean, with T-Bird gone, couldn't you

have sex with whoever you wanted?
Neil Patrick Harris: Let me be clear. There is nothing on the planet that I love more than a hot, new pussy.
Kumar Patel: Sure.
Neil Patrick Harris: Nothing. What does the P.H. Stands for in N.P.H?
Harold Lee: Patrick Harris.
Neil Patrick Harris:

No, common mistake. Poon handler.

Harold Lee: It's because of assholes like you that we're even in this fucking place - fucking cowards!
Terrorist #1: Well maybe if the people in your country stopped eating *doughnuts* and started realizing what their government is doing to the world, "assholes" like us wouldn't exist!
Kumar Patel: Fuck you! Doughnuts are awesome!

Goldstein: Don't insult us, alright? I don't know what the hell's going on here, but I'm pleading the 5th until I speak to my lawyer.
Ron Fox: Oh, you plead the 5th, huh? Beecher, get me a copy of the Bill of Rights.
Dr. Beecher: The Bill of Rights? Why?
Ron Fox: Just do it!
[Beecher leaves room]

Ron Fox: 5 right?
Rosenberg: 5, sure.
Goldstein: 5 alive.
Ron Fox: Okay.
[Beecher comes in with the Bill of Rights]
Ron Fox: [undoing his pants] You want to know what I think of the 5th Amendment?
[rips off paper and wipes his ass with it]
Ron Fox:

[holding up paper with crap smeared on it] There it is. That's what I think of the 5th Amendment.
Goldstein: Why the hell is your ass so dirty? Don't you wipe?
Ron Fox: Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to buddy.

Neil Patrick Harris: What's your name, miss?
Tits Hemmingway: Tits Hemmingway.
Neil Patrick Harris: Why do they call you that?
Tits Hemmingway: Beacause I have huge tits, and my favourite book is "A Moveable Feast".
Neil Patrick Harris: Well I hope you're ready for me, Tits. Because I'm

going to rock out with my cock out, and you're going to jam out with your clam out. It's going to be magical.

Ron Fox: Do you have a problem with the way I run the show, Beecher?
Dr. Beecher: I'm just saying I looked through the files on Harold Lee and Kumar Patel. They were both born and raised in New Jersey. Other than a couple of traffic tickets, they're clean.
Ron Fox: Oh, right! That's why they just broke out of prison!

Dr. Beecher: It's not even clear that they should've been there in the first place!
Ron Fox: [growing flustered] Shouldn't have...
[walks over to desk and picks up a picture of a little girl]
Ron Fox: You see this cute little white girl, Beecher?
Dr. Beecher: Yeah.
Ron Fox: Do

you want her to get raped and murdered?
Dr. Beecher: Of course not.
Ron Fox: You sure? Cause this is America. Do you want to rape America?
Dr. Beecher: No.
Ron Fox: Then stop fucking with me!
[throws picture against wall]

Neil Patrick Harris: I have a lost love story of my own.
Kumar Patel: Oh yeah?
Neil Patrick Harris: I'll never forget her. Her name was Tashonda. She was Whoopi Goldberg's stand-in. Her skin was so soft, her lips were so sweet. She had these tiny little Hershey kisses nipples that you just wanted to suck on all night long. Anyway,

last day of shooting I told her. I said "T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up".
Kumar Patel: Why'd you do that?
Neil Patrick Harris: I didn't think I could take on that kind of responsibility. What a big mistake!
Neil Patrick Harris: [slaps himself in the face]
Neil Patrick Harris: The point is boys,

even though I loved having sex with some hot random trim, a day hasn't gone by where I haven't thought of Tashonda. Every time I see a bag of Hershey kisses, my balls get so wet.