Hail, Caesar! Quotes

Protestant Clergyman: God loves everyone!
Catholic Clergyman: God is love!
Eastern Orthodox Clergyman: God is who he is.
Rabbi: This is special? Who isn't who he is?
Catholic Clergyman: But, how should God be rendered in a motion picture?
Rabbi: God isn't in the

motion picture!

Young Women at Bar: [in a scene being filmed at Capitol Pictures, a bar full of sailors is closing for the night, and the young women are going home] So long, fellas. See ya in eight months.
Bartender: Eight months?
Sailor: Yeah, we're shippin' out in the morning.
Sailor: Golly, eight months without a dame.
Burt

Gurney (as Sailor in Bar Scene): Can you beat it?
Bartender: You're gonna have to beat it!

Eddie Mannix: As for the religious aspect, does the depiction of Christ Jesus cut the mustard?
Catholic Clergyman: Well, the nature of Christ is not quite as simple as your photoplay would have it.
Eddie Mannix: How so, father?
Catholic Clergyman: It's not the case, simply, that Christ is God or God - Christ.

Rabbi: You can say that again! The Nazarene was not God.
Eastern Orthodox Clergyman: He was not not God.
Rabbi: He was a man.
Protestant Clergyman: Part God.
Rabbi: No, sir!
Eddie Mannix: Rabbi, all of us have a little bit of God in us, don't we?

Baird Whitlock: That's what happened to me when I went to Reno with Danny Kaye and he asked me to shave his back. Exact same thing. Because, I'm thinkin', who benefits? So, let me tell ya, everybody thinks that Danny's a jerk, he's not really a jerk. That's just a theory generating its own anti-theory. Anyway, there we were, it's me and Danny and I'm wondering what the hell am I

doin' with a razor in my hand? And he says its for a Norman Taurog picture. But, Judy Canova's there and she knows Norman and she say's "Danny's not doing a Norman Taurog picture! He just wants you to shave his back!" And that's who benefits!

Narrator: Ancient Rome. Twelve years into the rule of Tiberius, ruler maximus. Rome's legions are masters of the world, the stomp of its sandals heard from the Iberian peninsula in the west through the halls of the great library of Alexandria in the east. As oppressed people everywhere writhe under the Roman lash, freeman and vassal are united in one compulsory worship. The

emperor, Caesar, is Godhead, lord of every man's body and spirit. For those who will not submit, the galleys, the arenas, even crucifixion await. But there is a new wind, blowing from the east, from the dusty streets of Bethlehem, that will soon challenge the vast house of Caesar, that edifice wrought of brick and blood which now seems so secure!

Eddie Mannix: Any more thought about who you might marry?
DeeAnna Moran: I ain't doin' that again! I had two marriages. It just cost the Studio a lot of money to bust them up.
Eddie Mannix: Well, we had to have those annulled. One was to a minor mob figure...
DeeAnna Moran: Vince was not minor!

Eddie Mannix: And Buddy Flynn was a bandleader with a long history of narcotics use.
DeeAnna Moran: Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm sayin'! They were both louses! Marryin' a third louse ain't gonna do me no good.
Eddie Mannix: I've offered you some very suitable young men.
DeeAnna Moran: Pretty boys, saps and

swishes! What you think if there wasn't a good reliable man, I wouldn't have grabbed him?
Eddie Mannix: What about Arne Seslum? He is the father isn't he?
DeeAnna Moran: Yeah. Yeah.
Eddie Mannix: A marriage doesn't have to last forever; but, DeeAnna having a child without a father would present a public relations problem for

the Studio.

Eddie Mannix: What's on your mind, Laurence?
Laurence Laurentz: Hobie Doyle cannot act!
Eddie Mannix: Hobart Doyle is one of the biggest movie stars in the world.
Laurence Laurentz: On horseback! But, this is a drama, Mannix, a real drama. It's an adaptation of a Broadway smash! it requires the skills of a

trained thespian, not a rodeo clown.

John Howard Hermann, Head Communist Writer: Dutch Zweistrong wrote "All The Way To Uruguay."
Dutch Zweistrong, Communist Writer: I wrote *all* the "All The Way" pictures.
John Howard Hermann, Head Communist Writer: All successful. Did you see any of the profits, Dutch?
Dutch Zweistrong, Communist Writer: Ha!

John Howard Hermann, Head Communist Writer: All of us here are writers. The pictures originated with us. They are our own ideas. But, they're owned by the Studio.