I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk.
I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone.
Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them.
Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.
A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable.
The only cure for contempt is counter-contempt.
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.
A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.
No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man.
One may no more live in the world without picking up the moral prejudices of the world than one will be able to go to hell without perspiring.
Poetry has done enough when it charms, but prose must also convince.
A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman.
A prohibitionist is the sort of man one couldn't care to drink with, even if he drank.
I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.
In the duel of sex woman fights from a dreadnought and man from an open raft.
I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs.
No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight.
Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it.
Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.
