Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
