Stewie: [plucks a banjo] Oh! I feel so delightfully white trash! Mummy, I want a mullet!
[the Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is being waited on]
Stewie Griffin: You. Cut my eggs.
[waiter cuts his eggs]
Waiter: Your eggs are cut sir.
Stewie Griffin: Now cut my milk.
Waiter: Uh, I can't sir, it's liquid.
Stewie Griffin: [slaps him] IDIOT. Freeze it, then CUT it. And if you ever
question me again, I shall put you on diaper detail. And believe me, I will not make it easy on you.
Darren (On Bewitched): The power of Christ compels you, bitch!
Tom Tucker: Now let's go to Greg The Weather Mime. OK... it's going to be cold... lots of wind... and it looks like parents are going to throw human fecal matter from the rooftops onto their children... oh, GOD. That's awful. No wait, it looks like rain. Yes, rain.
Brian Griffin: Well, if you want to be a hero right now it might be a good time.
Peter Griffin: Geez, Brian, this isn't what I was expecting, I thought being a hero would be all fun and games.
Peter Griffin: [cut to Peter with the Justice League] Sorry, Wonder Woman, I got three kings. Now let's see your pair.
[Wonder Woman
sighs, then removes her bustier]
Peter Griffin: [laughs] All right!
[looks offscreen]
Peter Griffin: Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at her.
Peter Griffin: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.
Announcer: [for Homicide: Life on Sesame Street] This show contains adult content, and is brought to you by the letter H.
Bert: [answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.
[gets out of bed and gets dressed]
Bert: Some poor bastard
got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the *damn* bed.
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.
Lois Griffin: My therapist said we should try a trick called "role reversal", it's where you pretend to be the person who makes you angry. Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's stupid and worthless and you should only listen to me, Peter.
Peter Griffin: I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales but I won't let Peter buy anything he likes like that neon beer sign
with the chick who had two mugs for jugs. It was only $8 and we had a dozen places to put it.
Stewie: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.
Brian Griffin: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up
and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.
[Peter is visting Willy Wonka's chocolate factory]
Willy Wonka: I'll ask you one more time - are you sure you didn't eat anything in my factory?
[Peter has become a giant blueberry]
Peter Griffin: No.
Willy Wonka: I'm just asking...
Peter Griffin: What? Are you calling me a liar?
Willy Wonka: No, I'm just saying...
Peter Griffin: Hey, shut up, Wonka!
Stewie Griffin: Okay, I got it, I got it. If you cooked anymore slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you need an egg calendar.
[laughs]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, that's right, I went there.
[cut to Happy Go-Lucky Toys, Inc]
Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, wait, here's another one. Why do women have boobs? So you got something
to look at while you're talking to them.
[everybody laughs]
Man: Good one Peter.
Man 2: That's what they're for all right.
Lady: Are you telling jokes? I love jokes.
Peter Griffin: All right, then you'll love this one, okay. Why do women have boobs?
[she stares at him angrily]
Peter Griffin: So you
got something to look at while you're talking to them
[she's shocked, then Peter laughs]
Peter Griffin: So you got something you look at while you're talking to them
[laughs]
Peter Griffin: So you got - Y-you want to see me, Mr. Weed?
Lois Griffin: Chris where have you been?
Chris Griffin: Dad took me to see a plastic surgeon to have liposuction but I didn't have it done.
Lois Griffin: Good for you Chris. That was a very grown-up decision. I mean what kind of egomanical pretentious jerk gets liposuction.
Peter Griffin: [in a very sexy
voice] Hello!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I must give you my e-mail address. It's loismustdie, all one word, at yahoo dot com.
Stewie Griffin: They're getting nude! I mustn't watch, it's not the proper thing to... Wow! I say, nice ones, Janine! And look at Lisa in all of her curvaceous glory! Heavens, it appears that my weewee has been stricken with rigor mortis!
Joe Swanson: Hey, Pat, where's the wheelchair ramp?
Pawtucket Pat: Oh, we don't have one. I guess this is where you get off.
[Pawtucket Pat blows a whistle and the Chumba Wumbas come out]
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba Wumba gobbledy goo / Life isn't fair it's sad but it's true / Chumba Wumba gobbledy gee / When your poor legs are stiff as a tree.
Chumba
Wumba #1: What do you do when you're stuck in a chair?
Chumba Wumba #2: Finding it hard to go up and down stairs?
Chumba Wumba #3: What do you think of the one you call God?
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Isn't His absence slight-ly odd?
Chumba Wumba #4: Maybe He's forgotten you.
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba wumba gobbledy gorse / Count yourself lucky you're not a horse
They would turn you into dog food / Or to chumba wumba gobbledy glue!
[the Chumba Wumbas push Joe out of the factory]
Joe Swanson: I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway. Silver bullet!
Chumba Wumba #2: Gobbledy glue!