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Olive Penderghast: [On webcam] And here you all are. Waiting for me outside the bedroom door for me to kiss Todd. Listening to me pretend to have sex with Brandon. Paying me to lie for you, and calling me every name in the book. And you know what? It was just like Hester in The Scarlet Letter. Except that's the one thing movies don't tell you: how shitty it feels to be an outcast.

Warranted or not.

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Rosemary: Any friend of Olive's is a friend of my daughter.

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Brandon: So what's with your new look? It's very whore couture.
Olive Penderghast: Oh, haven't you heard? I'm the new school slut.
Brandon: You know, I did hear something. I also heard he was twice your age.
Olive Penderghast: Oh, no no no no. He was a freshman in college.
Brandon: I

also heard he gave you crabs.
Olive Penderghast: Ew! People suck!
Brandon: Tell me about it.

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Brandon: Just one good, imaginary boink!
Olive Penderghast: You are on crack! And not the good kind.
Brandon: It doesn't have to be a boink. It could be anything - it could be an imaginary butter-bean, lemon squeeze, cowbell...
Olive Penderghast: I don't know what any of that means.

Brandon: Well, that's because you're a virgin.

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[first lines]
Olive Penderghast: The rumors of my promiscuity have been greatly exaggerated.

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Olive Penderghast: [runs into Anson, outside] I just thought of the funniest thing. My name is an anagram for "I love".
Anson: [confused] What... what's an anagram?
Olive Penderghast: [looks him in the eyes] Look it up, big boy.

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Olive Penderghast: People thought I was a dirty skank? Fine. I'd be the dirtiest skank they've ever seen.

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Brandon: [after having pretend-sex with Olive] Well, let's just say I'll be walking funny tomorrow. I'm drunk! What's up, bitches?

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Olive Penderghast: You know, the sad thing is, Evan, if you'd been a gentleman and maybe asked me out on a date, I might've said yes.
Evan: Really? Do you wanna go out with me?
Olive Penderghast: Not now I don't, shit-dick.

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Olive Penderghast: [to Evan, about their imaginary tryst] I want a one hundred dollar gift card deposited into my locker by noon tomorrow. Preferably to the Gap, but I'd also take Amazon.com, or Office Max. Actually, make it Office Max - I have my eye on a label maker. We did not have sex. I let you fondle my chest, and it was a glorious moment for you. Unmatched by anything you

have heretofore experienced... including cake.

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Woodchuck Todd: Notoriety, for whatever reason, never seems to benefit the noted, only the 'notees'.

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Olive Penderghast: All I could think was, "Great, now I'm a tramp! I'll have to get a lower back tattoo and pierce something not on my face."

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Woodchuck Todd: How's it going?
Olive Penderghast: [Struggles for words for a moment] Ah, you know, I'm um... I'm here.
Woodchuck Todd: Can I get you a beer?
Olive Penderghast: That rhymed...

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Olive Penderghast: I need to get my business in order before I drag you into it.
Woodchuck Todd: What if I told you I wanna be dragged into it? I could help, maybe.
Olive Penderghast: Why now? Why are you all of a sudden into me now?
Woodchuck Todd: I don't know. I haven't overanalyzed it, like you're about

to.

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Marianne: I hope for your sake, God has a sense of humor.
Olive Penderghast: Oh, I have seventeen years worth of anecdotal proof that He does.

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Olive Penderghast: [talking to Marianne] We've had 9 classes together since kindergarten... 10 if you count Religion of Other Cultures, which you didn't, because you called it science-fiction and refused to go.

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Brandon: You don't understand how hard it is, all right? Hmm? I'm tormented everyday at school. It's like I'm being suffocated, and sure we can sit and fantasize all we want about how things are going to be different one day, but this is today and it sucks... So please just help me. I can't take another day of this, I don't know what I'll do.

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Olive Penderghast: So, here it is
[Holds up poster and reads]
Olive Penderghast: Part One: The Shudder-Inducing and Cliched, However Totally False Account Of How I Lost My Virginity To A Guy At A Community College.

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Olive Penderghast: Which brings us to Part Two
[Hold up poster and reads]
Olive Penderghast: The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude. Which really is just my obnoxious way of saying lies travel fast. And, *boy*, did my Terminological Inexactitude accelerate with velocity.

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Evan: Don't get mad, but Brandon told me what you did for him.
Olive Penderghast: [believes he's talking about sex] Ah, well, rest assured it was equally as thrilling for me.
[purrs]
Evan: No, he told me the truth.
[Olive looks at him]
Evan: I was just hoping that maybe you could do the same for

me?
Olive Penderghast: Goodbye, Evan.
[turns to go]
Evan: Wait! Wait, I can pay you!
Olive Penderghast: [faces him again] I am about six seconds away from slapping you so hard your *teeth* will bleed!
Evan: [excited] Can you do it in front of everyone?