Peter La Fleur: Too bad Hallmark doesn't make a "Sorry your dodgeball coach got killed by two tons of irony" card.
Cotton McKnight: [after Average Joes dressed in S&M enters the arena]
[slowly takes off glasses]
Cotton McKnight: ... Oh... my... sweet Jesus...
Pepper Brooks: [stares stupidly] ... that's rad.
[first lines: Globo Gym commercial]
Globo Gym Ad Narrator: Tired of the same old you? Tired of being out of shape and out of luck with the opposite sex? Tired of being overweight and under-attractive?
White Goodman: [finishing a ride on the skis] Yeah! Oh, hello. I'm White Goodman, Owner, Operator, and Founder of Globo Gym America Corp, and I'm here
to tell you that you don't have to be stuck with what ya got.
[a buffed Globo Gym member is lifting weights]
White Goodman: Hey, Rory. Looking good. Here at Globo Gym, we understand that "Ugliness" and "Fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it.
[climbing on the rocky wall; grunts]
White Goodman: And that's where we come in.
[cackling]
White Goodman: Globo Gym employs a highly-trained, quasi-cultural staff of personal alterational specialists. And with our competitively-priced on-site cosmetic surgery, we can turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning into a
Franken-fine!
[wheels out a bandaged-like-a-mummy person in a wheelchair]
White Goodman: Of course you'll still be you in a legal sense, but think of it as a thinner, more attractive, better you than you could ever become without us. How do I know? Well, I'm not only the founder of Globo Gym. I'm also a client.
[a picture of a 600-pound White Goodman from 14
years ago]
White Goodman: That's me. Six years and 600 pounds ago... before I knew how much I hated myself. But that all changed once I founded Globo Gym. But don't just take my word for it. Listen to these Globo-Gymers tell you how it is.
Young Patches O'Houlihan: Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation.
Owen: [after Patches O'Houlihan has been killed] Look on the bright side, at least we've still got Peter!
Dwight: Yeah, but Globo Gym's got guys named Laser, and Blazer, and Tazer, and all kinds of "azer's"! Without Patches, we're going to get our taints handed to us, that's what!
Justin: [Whispers to Gordon] What's a taint?
Gordon: I don't know, but it sounds *bad*!