92 Bruce Almighty Quotes (2024)

Bruce Almighty

God: Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It's a magic trick. A single mom who's working two jobs and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says "no" to drugs and "yes" to an education, that's a miracle. People want me to do everything for them. But what they don't realize is *they* have the power. You want to see a miracle,

son? Be the miracle.

Bruce Almighty

Bruce: [breaking out of a freeze] Hi, Susan!
Grace: Oh, thank you, God.
Bruce: Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York.
Bruce: First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone

with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the "blue heart of the ocean" jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass

off?
Grace: [gasps in disbelief]
Bruce: Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, suckin' up all the glory.
Bruce: [mashes and discards stupid umbrella hat] Oh, well. No big deal.
Control Booth

Operator: Oh, boy.
Bruce: Oh, look! It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill...
Bill, Ferry Owner: That's all right.
Bruce: No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on, let's have a talk.
Grace: Come on. What are you *doing*?
Bruce:

Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
Bill, Ferry Owner: Hey, man, I don't want any problems...
Bruce: [messes his hair] Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock
Bruce: [shouts] of my life,

eroding beneath me?
Bruce: [sticking his face into the camera] Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding.
Jack: Cut the feed. Cut to black.
Control Booth Operator: I'm on it.
Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you...
Bruce: [makes a fist gesture] fuckers.

Bruce Almighty

Bruce: [repeated line; when the weather is nice] B-E-A-utiful.

Bruce Almighty

God: Grace. You want her back?
Bruce: No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.
God: Now THAT'S a prayer.

Bruce Almighty

God: No matter how filthy something gets, you can always clean it right up.

Bruce Almighty

God: [reading from a manuscript of what Bruce said the previous evening] "The gloves are off, God.", "God has taken my bird and my bush.", "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.", "Smite me, O Mighty Smiter." Now, I'm not big on blasphemy, but that last one made me laugh.

Bruce Almighty

Grace: I've got a very rare blood type. I'm AB positive.
Bruce: Well I'm IB positive. I be positive they ain't touching me with no needle.

Bruce Almighty

Grace: Debbie won the lottery.
Bruce: Oh, yeah? You're kidding.
Grace: But I guess so did 400,000 other people, so she only won, like, $17.

Bruce Almighty

Bruce: [Sitting in traffic in his Saleen S7] Oh darn, all this horsepower and no room to gallop!
[Bruce sticks his two index fingers out, and moves them apart, causing all the cars to automatically pull over, leaving the way clear]
Bruce: High ho silver, away!
[Bruce drives down the road at high speed]

Bruce Almighty

Bruce: Lord, feed the hungry, and bring peace to all of mankind. How's that?
God: Great... If you wanna be Miss America.

Bruce Almighty

Bruce: How do you make so many people love you without affecting Free Will?
God: [snorts] Heh, welcome to my world, son. If you come up with an answer to that one, let me know.

Bruce Almighty

Bruce: There were so many. I just gave them all what they want.
God: Yeah. But since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?

Bruce Almighty

Bruce: Okay, prayer beads, 'God, please give me a sign.'
[Truck with Danger signs passes him]

Bruce Almighty

Bruce: Bruce giveth and Bruce taketh away. Don't like it? Megabyte me.

Bruce Almighty

Announcer: Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six, with Susan Ortega, Evan Baxter, Fred Donahue Sports, Dallas Coleman Weather. And now, Buffalo's Number One News Team.
Susan Ortega: Good Evening and welcome to Eyewitness News at Six. I'm Susan Ortega.
Evan Baxter: And I'm Evan Baxter and here's what's making news. A potential scandal with the Buffalo

P.D. surfaced today when the mayor d-bow debit
[choked off]
Evan Baxter: [high pitched] D-bow d-bit d-bow
[unintelligible chicken squawking]
Evan Baxter: Bucka-bow, dee buck.
Director: Someone get him some water please.
Susan Ortega: Looks like my new co-anchor may need a glass of water.

Evan Baxter: [laughs like hyena, drinks, and clears throat] Oh, there we go. Sorry about that. In other news the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today and my tiny little nipples went to France.
Director: What'd he just say? Check the prompter.
Technician: The prompter's fine.
Director: Evan, READ THE COPY. Please. The copy's good. Just read it.

Evan Baxter: The White House reception committee greeted the Prime Ribroast Minister and... I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I lik-a do da cha-cha. I'm sorry we seem to be having some technical difficulties. In other news
[breaks wind]
Evan Baxter: Ohhhh. My apologies. Bulla blah, bulla blabity bulla bla
[rapid unitelligible gibberish]

Evan Baxter: Blabity blab bulla blah
[explosive gibberish]
Evan Baxter: [continues for 35 seconds]
[vaguely Chinese]
Evan Baxter: Kaa kaa poo poo. PEE PEE
[nervous laugh]

Bruce Almighty

Bruce: Who are you?
God: I'm the one. The Divine Being. Alpha and Omega.
Bruce: Oh, I see where this is going.
God: Bruce... I'm God.
Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says... God! Bing bing bing bing bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the

Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you SUCK!

Bruce Almighty

Bruce: And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Bruce Almighty

Homeless Man: [last "sign"; holding up] "ARMAGEDON OUTA HERE"
God: [the man itself morphs into God; uses hands to cut to black] Clap-clap.

Bruce Almighty

God: [referring to the seven fingers on Bruce's right hand] I did the same thing to Gandhi, he didn't eat for three weeks.

Bruce Almighty

Bruce: [being overwhelmed with hearing prayers] Give me a break!
God: [Bruce is instantly transported to meet with him] Really something, isn't it?
Bruce: Is this heaven?
God: No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all.

Bruce: [after a pause] I'm "dead"?
God: Naw, I'm just messing with ya.
Bruce: That's not funny, Man! That is "not" funny.