Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Bruce: God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Homeless Man: [during the riot; holding up a sign] "THY KINGDUMB COME"

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Bruce: What if I need you? What if I have questions?
God: That's your problem, Bruce. That's everybody's problem. You keep looking up.

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Grace: I'll be out in a minute!
Bruce: Don't rush yourself! Sometimes anticipation can heighten the... pleasure.
[Growls]
Grace: [Grace's vagina is filled with pleasure, and her knees buckle, causing her to hold onto the sink for support] Oh God! Oh!
Bruce: It's a funny thing about pleasure.

Grace: Wow.
Bruce: It can be quite...
[yells]
Bruce: PLEASURABLE!
Grace: [Grace's vagina is filled with even more pleasure, and she falls onto the toilet seat, knocking over several bottles as she does] Oh my God.
Bruce: [Bruce thrusts his hands in Grace's direction, and starts

sending pleasure to her with his mind] Pleasuring pleasurable pleasuring...
Grace: [Grace writhes in sexual ecstasy on the seat, as she suddenly has the most powerful orgasm of her life] Oh God!
[Moaning]
Grace: Oh Good God!
[She collapses onto the floor, overcome with sexual delight]
Bruce: ...pleasurable

pleasure.
[the bathroom door opens, and Bruce quickly stops chanting, and adopts a casual pose. Grace is stood in the doorway, using it for support. She runs at Bruce, who grabs her by the ass, and throws her down onto the bed]
Grace: [Outside their apartment, we see their lights flickering, and hear Grace's loud moans of sexual bliss]
Bruce:

[Bruce cries out triumphantly]

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Bruce: B-E-A-utiful. Come on, let's go back inside and have a shit.

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Bruce: The only one around here not doing his job is you!

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Bruce: [standing on the top of a skyscraper in a storm] I am Bruce Almighty! My will be done!

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Bruce: [footage shows Buffalo's Largest Cookie arriving outside Kowolski's Bakery; The Bakers help measure the cookie; as "Reporter"] The previous Buffalo record was 8 feet, 7 inches, baked by Gladys Pelnick. If this beats Galdys', it will prove once and for all that the Kowolskis have much more free time. And the cookie is... 10 feet, 4 inches.
Bruce:

[Everyone cheers] We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music.
[Short montage: Set to the Theme of "Chariots of Fire", everyone enjoys portions of the cookie and free milk. The Reporter pours milks while running]
Bruce: [as the camera looks at the Kowolskis for the seconds at one point] But what are we really looking at here? Is it just a big cookie, or

does this cookie represent the pride of Buffalo, its dedicated and hardworking citizens the key ingredient, with a few nuts thrown in, and, finally, the love of our families, which provides the warm, chewy center, making out beloved Buffalo, the sweetest place to live. And that's the way the cookie crumbles. I'm Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness News.

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Bruce: So tell us mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
Mama Kowolski: Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in pastry but I say no, is big chocolate sprinkle, but he shut store down. So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back.
Bruce: Let's try that again, shall we?
Bruce:

[Beep-beep; New take] So tell us mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
Mama Kowolski: So all the children in the neighborhood will be happy?
Bruce: And isn't it nice to see all their smiling faces?
Vol Kowolski: I work in back. I see no smiles.
[Exasperated, Bruce tosses the mic to the counter]

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Bruce: [at the bakery, pausing the news broadcast for the interview, Vol is picking his nose] It's a good thing I'm wearing this
Bruce: [tugs at hair net] because I wouldn't want any stray hairs falling into the booger!

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "GOD BEE GOOD HONEY"
Bruce: [holds up his own sign] "WHATEVER HE SAID - >"

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Grace: You know that everything happens for a reason.
Bruce: See, that I don't need. That is a cliché. That is not helpful to me. "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"... I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush.

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Bruce: [the body of Jimmy Hoffa has just been exhumed] Hey kid, wanna make 10 bucks?
Kid: Sure
Bruce: [holding a video camera] You know how to work one of these?
Kid: Duh!
Bruce: [blows into the eye piece like a trumpet] Seems to be in tune. Let's do this!

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Bruce: [looking in mirror and doing a Walter Cronkite impression] That's the way it was... and that's the way the cookie crumbles... and That's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it uh HUH uh HUH.

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Jack: There he is, the man of the hour!
Bruce: Bless you, bless *all* of you! Be fruitful... and do long division or something!

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Hood: You want me and the homies to apologize right?
[Bruce nods]
Hood: Okay Cool, man, the day a monkey comes out of my butt is the day you'll get your sorry.
Bruce: What a coincidence, because that's TODAY.

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan with Eyewitness Nose... Eyewitness Nose... that's right!

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Bruce: [revving his car] Come on come on... start!
Bruce: [slams his hands against the steering wheel, the car starts; stunned] That was luck.

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Grace: So God is picking on you?
Bruce: No, he's ignoring me completely!

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Grace: Honey, hi , wow!
[Gasps as she looks up at the sky, seeing the moon, which Bruce has brought closer to the Earth]
Grace: I've never seen the moon that big!
Bruce: Yeah...
[Bruce starts running his hands through Grace's hair sensually]
Bruce: We really shouldn't waste it.
[Bruce and

Grace start making out passionately, as a divinely-caused meteor shower lights the sky behind them]
Bruce: Bedroom?
Grace: [Grace breaks the kiss] Five minutes!
[Grace runs into the bathroom to prepare for sex]