Billy Madison: Chlorophyll? More like BOREophyll.
[after putting dog poop in a paper bag and lighting it on fire on Old Man Clemens' porch]
Billy Madison: Oh my God, Old Man Clemens hates shit.
Frank: Shh, here he comes.
Old Man Clemens: Who the hell is it? What do you want? Judas Priest, Barbara, it's one of those flaming bags again.
Barbara: Don't put it out with
your boots, Ted.
Old Man Clemens: Don't tell me my business, Devil Woman. Call the fire department, this one's outta control.
[Old Man Clemens steps on the bag, then lifts up his boot and smells]
Old Man Clemens: Eck, poop again.
Billy Madison: He called the shit "poop".
[Billy, Jack, and Frank laugh
hysterically]
Frank: This is the best night of my life.
[They continue laughing]
Old Man Clemens: I'll get you damn kids for this. You're all gonna die.
Billy Madison: I bet that snack pack is pretty good huh?
[the little kid smiles and nods]
Billy Madison: Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana?
[the little kid smiles and shakes his head]
Billy Madison: You know how badly I could beat you, right?
[the kid keeps smiling and nods]
Brian Madison: You were brought up with every advantage, I bought you everything. Toys, cars, vacations, clothes...
Billy Madison: Actually I, uh, stole this shirt from Frank.
[Lifts his shirt to show "FRANK" written on the inside]
Brian Madison: Yea, well whatever, it's all my fault. I made a mistake.
[Looks up to see
Billy lifting his shirt]
Brian Madison: What? Are you some damned moron?
Billy Madison: Bunt. B-U-N-T, in perfect cursive. Any more brain busters?
Veronica Vaughn: "Rizzuto"?
[Billy ponders, then writes]
Veronica Vaughn: Rirruto?
Billy Madison: Those're Z's.
Veronica Vaughn: They look like R's to me.
Billy Madison: That's not
fair! Rizzuto's not a word! He's a baseball player! You're cheating!
Clown: Hey, kids, it's me. I bet you thought that I was dead. But when I fell over I just broke my leg and got a hemorrhage in my head. HA HA HA.
Teacher: Spell "couch".
Little girl: Couch. C-O-W...
Billy Madison: No!
Teacher: [to little girl] No, I'm sorry, that's not right.
[to Billy]
Teacher: Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly you pass second grade.
Billy Madison: Couch. C-O-R, uh, are you going to the mall today?
Teacher: No I'm not goin to the
mall, keep spelling, mister.
Billy Madison: C-O-U-C-H!
Teacher: Correct!
Billy Madison: I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!