Billy Madison
Billy Madison

Veronica Vaughn: Good morning, class.
Third Grade Class: Good morning, Miss Vaughan.
Veronica Vaughn: We're going to start today by reading together a short story entitled "My Sister Fanny".
[the class laughs]
Veronica Vaughn: Quiet. So let's all open our "Reading Is Fun" books to page sixty nine.
Billy

Madison: Sixty nine!
[laughs]

Billy Madison
Billy Madison

Billy Madison: Chlorophyll? More like BOREophyll.

Billy Madison
Billy Madison

Lunch Lady: Have some more sloppy joes. I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy.
Billy Madison: Lady, you're scaring us.

Billy Madison
Billy Madison

Veronica Vaughn: [to Billy] No milk will ever be our milk.

Billy Madison
Billy Madison

Billy Madison: [shouting] Where's my snack pack?
Juanita: You got a banana, you don't need no snack pack.

Billy Madison
Billy Madison

Tenth Grader: [after Billy pushes Eric and Eric falls over] Oh, gross... did you see that guys balls?
Tenth Grader: Yeah... they were weird looking.

Billy Madison
Billy Madison

[after putting dog poop in a paper bag and lighting it on fire on Old Man Clemens' porch]
Billy Madison: Oh my God, Old Man Clemens hates shit.
Frank: Shh, here he comes.
Old Man Clemens: Who the hell is it? What do you want? Judas Priest, Barbara, it's one of those flaming bags again.
Barbara: Don't put it out with

your boots, Ted.
Old Man Clemens: Don't tell me my business, Devil Woman. Call the fire department, this one's outta control.
[Old Man Clemens steps on the bag, then lifts up his boot and smells]
Old Man Clemens: Eck, poop again.
Billy Madison: He called the shit "poop".
[Billy, Jack, and Frank laugh

hysterically]
Frank: This is the best night of my life.
[They continue laughing]
Old Man Clemens: I'll get you damn kids for this. You're all gonna die.

Billy Madison
Billy Madison

Billy Madison: Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really.
[Notices gold swan on edge of tub]
Billy Madison: Stop looking at me, swan.

Billy Madison
Billy Madison

Brian Madison: Oh Billy, Billy boy, when are you going to find whatever it is you are looking for?
Billy Madison: [the camera cuts to the street, where Billy and his friends find a piece of shit] Here's a nice piece of shit!

Billy Madison
Billy Madison

Billy Madison: I bet that snack pack is pretty good huh?
[the little kid smiles and nods]
Billy Madison: Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana?
[the little kid smiles and shakes his head]
Billy Madison: You know how badly I could beat you, right?
[the kid keeps smiling and nods]

Billy Madison
Billy Madison

Brian Madison: You were brought up with every advantage, I bought you everything. Toys, cars, vacations, clothes...
Billy Madison: Actually I, uh, stole this shirt from Frank.
[Lifts his shirt to show "FRANK" written on the inside]
Brian Madison: Yea, well whatever, it's all my fault. I made a mistake.
[Looks up to see

Billy lifting his shirt]
Brian Madison: What? Are you some damned moron?

Billy Madison
Billy Madison

Veronica Vaughn: So what's it like, being back in school?
Billy Madison: I don't know. I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes. Although I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.

Billy Madison
Billy Madison

Billy Madison: Bunt. B-U-N-T, in perfect cursive. Any more brain busters?
Veronica Vaughn: "Rizzuto"?
[Billy ponders, then writes]
Veronica Vaughn: Rirruto?
Billy Madison: Those're Z's.
Veronica Vaughn: They look like R's to me.
Billy Madison: That's not

fair! Rizzuto's not a word! He's a baseball player! You're cheating!

Billy Madison
Billy Madison

Scotty Logan: Mom, that's Billy. He's in my class. I heard he's retarded or something.
[Billy laughs]

Billy Madison
Billy Madison

O'Doyle: Mortal Kombat on Sega Genesis is the best video game ever.
Billy Madison: I disagree. Mortal Kombat is a good game but I think Donkey Kong is the best game ever.
O'Doyle: Donkey Kong sucks!
Billy Madison: You know something? You suck!

Billy Madison
Billy Madison

Billy Madison: [to his Father] I think Crazy Carl is right.

Billy Madison
Billy Madison

Frank: [to Billy] When I graduated first grade, all my dad did was tell me to get a job.

Billy Madison
Billy Madison

Clown: Hey, kids, it's me. I bet you thought that I was dead. But when I fell over I just broke my leg and got a hemorrhage in my head. HA HA HA.

Billy Madison
Billy Madison

Billy Madison: You know I like Snack Pack. Why can't you just give me a Snack Pack?
Juanita: I thought I was your snack pack.

Billy Madison
Billy Madison

Teacher: Spell "couch".
Little girl: Couch. C-O-W...
Billy Madison: No!
Teacher: [to little girl] No, I'm sorry, that's not right.
[to Billy]
Teacher: Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly you pass second grade.
Billy Madison: Couch. C-O-R, uh, are you going to the mall today?
Teacher: No I'm not goin to the

mall, keep spelling, mister.
Billy Madison: C-O-U-C-H!
Teacher: Correct!
Billy Madison: I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!