I came out of the mall one day, and a guy was standing there with a coat hanger in his window, and I couldn't stop myself. I asked the stupid question. 'You lock your keys in the car?' 'Nope, just washed it, gonna hang it up to dry.'
I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.'
I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes.
I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards.
If you lived next door to me and didn't know what I did, you wouldn't know I was a celebrity. I don't have that lifestyle, nor do I want that lifestyle. I want to know that I can have a separate life with my wife and my kids and just be normal and go camping and fishing and outdoor stuff.
I've learned in my older age that sexy gets you further than brains.
I eat fish, chicken, vegetables and other healthier foods. I do love a great steak.
My favorite road trip ever is when my wife and I took an RV around the country. We just had the best time.
I learned that you don't take dishes from the table to the dishwasher; you have to rinse them first. I think that's stupid because I don't go out in the back yard and hose off before taking a shower.
My goal is for 'The Bill Engvall Show' to be a show the networks look at and say, 'Ooh, maybe we should get back to the family sitcom.'
I'm from Texas. You would think my biggest draw would be in that state. But my biggest draw is Pennsylvania.
I come from a time when people like Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby told stories that were devastatingly funny without being off-color.
It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy.
You know as well as I do that the family sitcom was the stalwart of TV for God knows how many decades.
If you're just a nice guy - you don't let people walk on you - but if you're just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen.
There's a reason God didn't give me this success in my 20s, because I'd have blown it.
I haven't been really nervous about a gig in a long time.
It's fun being Bill Engvall.
Left to my own vices, all I would own is a Corvette, and it would be broken down.
I'd like to see the Amazon rainforests before they're all gone, and also the Galapagos - that's another one I'd like to do. I'd love to go diving in those areas. Basically, places, like, that are kind of going away, and I'd like to see them before they all become condos and high-rises.
