A Christmas Story Quotes

Ralphie: Ohhhh fuuudge!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
The Old Man: [stunned] What did you say?
Ralphie: Uh, um...
The Old Man: That's... what I thought you said. Get

in the car... Go on.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

Flick: Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb!
Schwartz: That's 'cause you know it'll stick!
Flick: You're full of it!
Schwartz: Oh yeah?
Flick: Yeah!
Schwartz: Well I double-DOG-dare ya!
Ralphie as an Adult:

[narrating] NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a "triple dare you"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.
Schwartz: I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat!

Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man.
The Old Man: That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!
Mother: Little pitchers!
The Old Man: Thanks... hold it!
[the furnace conks out]
The Old

Man: It's a clinker! That blasted stupid furnace dadgummit!
[he walks down a few stairs and falls the rest of the way down]
The Old Man: Damn skates!
[coughing]
The Old Man: Oh, for cripes sake, open up the damper will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? AGAIN! Oh, blast it! Poop flirt, rattle crap, camel flirt! You

blunder frattle beak struckle brat! Of a womp sack butt bottom fodder...
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.
The Old Man: ...smick melly whop walker! Drop dumb fratten housestickle viper!

[in a Chinese restaurant called "Bo Ling, Chop Suey Palace Co."]
Waiter #1, Waiter #2, Waiter #3: [singing] Deck the harrs with boughs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra. Tis the season to be jorry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.
Chinese Father: No, no, no, no, no, no! Not 'ra ra ra ra', 'la la la la'!

Sing like this: Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la, la la la la! Try again.
Waiter #1, Waiter #2, Waiter #3: Deck the harrs with boughs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.
Chinese Father: Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Sing something else.
Waiter

#1, Waiter #2, Waiter #3: Jingre berrs, jingre berrs, jingre arr the way. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sreigh!

Mother: All right. Now, are you ready to tell me where you heard that word?
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But, I chickened out and said the first name that came to mind.

Ralphie: Schwartz!

[Ralphie is visiting Santa at the department store, only he can't remember what he wanted]
Santa Claus: What do you want for Christmas, little boy?
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] My mind had gone blank. Frantically, I tried to remember what it was I wanted. I was blowing it, blowing it.
Male Elf: Come on, kid.

Santa Claus: How about a nice football?
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out.
[Ralphie nods]
Santa Claus: Football. Okay, get him out of here.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up,

Stupid! Wake up!
Ralphie: [Ralphie is shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up] No, no! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
Santa Claus: You'll shoot your eye out, kid.
[Ralphie gasps]
Santa Claus: Merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho!
[Santa pushes

Ralphie down the slide with his boot]
Ralphie: No-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Mother: [gets on the phone] Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Uh, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?
[Mrs. Schwartz's speech is inaudible]
Mother: No, he said...
[whispers it close to the receiver]
Mrs. Schwartz: [in a hysterical tone] NO, NOT THAT!
Mother: Yes, that! Do you know where he heard

it?
Mrs. Schwartz: Probably from his father.
Mother: No! He heard it from your son!
Mrs. Schwartz: [screams hysterically] WHAT! WHAT! WHAAAAAAT!
[footsteps are heard followed by screaming and spanking]
Schwartz: [crying] Ah, no! What did I do, Ma? What, I didn't do nothing! AAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!
[Ralphie's mom hangs up the

phone]
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Another shot of mysterious, inexorable, official justice.