penis Quotes

Schmidt: Mr. Walters, I should apologize for...
Mr. Walters: ...for shooting my penis off? Don't sweat it, brother. I'm liberated. Totally. You know they gave me a vagina. It's awesome. You guys wanna see it?
Jenko, Schmidt: No, no, no, no!
Mr. Walters: Eric's seen it. Eric's been all up

in that shit. Ain't that right, Eric?
Eric Molson: You guys gotta get me the fuck out of here.

Dylan: I'm supposed to meet up with Jamie.
Tommy: Who's that? That headhunter?
Dylan: Uh-huh.
Tommy: What, you guys going out now?
Dylan: No, no, no, we're just friends. We're... messing around a little bit.
Tommy: What do you mean?
Dylan:

Sleeping together. But it's just sex.
Tommy: That never works, bro. She's a girl. Sex always means more to them even if they don't admit it.
Dylan: Jamie's different.
Tommy: Does she have a penis where most girls have a vagina?
Dylan: No penis.
Tommy: Then she's no different.

Professor Shelly Oberon: [Bethany as Prof. Shelly Oberon is about to pee as a male for the first time] So how do we do this?
Moose Finbar: Easy. You just - you unzip, take it out, fire away.
Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Remember to aim. It's very important.
Professor Shelly Oberon: [Gasping] Oh my God, you guys,

there's like literally a penis attached to my body right now. Martha, come look at my penis!
Ruby Roundhouse: No, thanks!
Moose Finbar: Is this the first that you've seen it?
Professor Shelly Oberon: Yes, I didn't wanna look.
Moose Finbar: I looked at mine within the first 20 seconds of getting here.

I'm happy to report that I was able to bring one thing from the outside world.
Professor Shelly Oberon: [Bethany tried to take a peek at Finbar' peeing]
Moose Finbar: What? Are you...? What are you doing? Are you looking?
Professor Shelly Oberon: Sorry.
Moose Finbar: You don't look over here!

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Yeah, you never look. It's a thing.
Professor Shelly Oberon: [Unzipping his pants] Okay, good boy. We're gonna take this nice and slow, and nobody's gonna get hurt. Now what?
Moose Finbar: Now blast off!
Dr. Smolder Bravestone: And aim, don't forget to aim.
Moose

Finbar: What is with you and aiming? What happened to you?
Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Can we not talk about this in mixed company?
Professor Shelly Oberon: [Peeing] Wow, wow, WOW! Oh, this is so much easier!
Moose Finbar: [Chuckles] It's cool, right?
Professor Shelly Oberon: Yeah, because you

have, like, a handle. The fact that I'm not Instagramming this right now is insane.

Elsa Korr: Scary places full of strange and wonderful creatures all with one thing in common.
Jojo Betzler: Mm-hmm. Stealing the ends of penises?
Elsa Korr: No, you idiot. The love of art.
Jojo Betzler: No cutting penises off?
Elsa Korr: Do you want the story or not?
Jojo

Betzler: You may continue, but I know it's true. The penis thing. Rabbis use them for earplugs.

Clyde Shelton: [while in a confinement cell] Nick, I told you I would give you a confession. And I meant it.
Nick Rice: I saw your "movie" today. So did my daughter.
Clyde Shelton: Well, you taught your daughter about good versus evil?
Nick Rice: I don't have to.
Clyde Shelton: Well,

that's what this "movie" was about: good conquering evil. The righteous prospering, the wicked suffering.
Nick Rice: I didn't get that. I'm giving you one more chance, Clyde. And don't test me because I will run you over.
Clyde Shelton: Fair enough. You did get me my bed. A deal's a deal.
Nick Rice: That was you on video

killing Clarence Darby, wasn't it?
Clyde Shelton: Yes, that was me.
[beat]
Clyde Shelton: Okay, fair enough. That was me, Clyde Shelton, on the video, killing Clarence Darby.
Nick Rice: Not good enough, Clyde. I need specifics.
Clyde Shelton: [leans in] I took his fingers with bolt cutters, his

toes with tin snips, his balls with a hacksaw, and his penis with a box cutter. How's that for "specifics"?
Nick Rice: And Ames?
Clyde Shelton: Switching the canisters was easy. Everything's automated these days, so I just hacked into the shipping company's server and swapped a few numbers around so the package came to me. Then I switched the

potassium chloride with something a little more... deliberate.
Nick Rice: Well, I'm tired of hearing your bullshit. I got everything I need.
Clyde Shelton: What now?
Nick Rice: I go home; you go to prison. You know, the righteous prospering, the wicked suffering. That ought to make you feel better about the system.

Clyde Shelton: What if I had another confession to make?
Nick Rice: [getting up] Call a priest.
Clyde Shelton: But another confession would mean another deal, Nick, so you would have to give me something in return. You ever been to Del Frisco's? They cater. So for lunch, I would love a 200z porterhouse steak, medium, maybe a little

bit charred, with all the trimmings- pommes frites, asparagus, butter squash.
Nick Rice: Fuck you and your pommes frites.
Clyde Shelton: You know what? Can I have my iPod as well? I'd love a little bit of music with my meal.
Nick Rice: [about to leave the room] First rule of negotiating, Clyde: you gotta have something to

bargain with.
Clyde Shelton: Would the life of Bill Reynolds suffice?