Cunt Quotes

Firewater: Hello there, little sausage. You and your friends have accomplished the impossible and for that, I give you mad props. But, now that you have shattered one truth: It is time for you to learn... that we are not REAL.
Gum: While tripping balls, Firewater and I made an important meta-psychical breakthrough.
Firewater: The

world is a fucking illusion, bro. Our lives are being manipulated for the entertainment of monsters, twisted, tasteless, juvenile monsters, puppet masters in the other dimension! We're something called... Cartoons.
[Frank, Brenda, Kareem, Sammy, Barry and Teresa gasped]
Frank: What?
Firewater: You, Frank... are a plaything in the demented

schlubby Jewish actor named:
[the image of a Jewish actor]
Firewater: Seth Rogen.
Frank: Wait. I'm Jewish?
Sammy: So... who am I?
Gum: You are the toy of a more talented and celebrated actor named:
[the image of a Celebrity actor]
Gum: Edward Norton.

Sammy: Edward Norton? What kind of parent gives that kid of stupid cunt name like that?
Gum: Worry not, friends. I have a solution.

Lew Vogel: [has just received the anticipated call from the bank robbers] Hello?
Terry Leather: Who am I talking to?
Lew Vogel: [very keenly] Terry Leather, Kevin Swain, Martine Love, Eddie Burton. Yeah, Mr. Shilling was kind enough to speak with me about this.
Terry Leather: You put Dave on the phone now.

Lew Vogel: Well I'd oblige to, but... he seems to be indisposed at the moment.
Terry Leather: What do you want?
Lew Vogel: Just a couple of things from what you've stolen. A ledger with a dark red cover. And some photos that I'm sure the MI-5 is interested in. The "Royal portfolio".
Terry Leather: All we

got is money and jewels.
Lew Vogel: [takes glasses off, to rub his eyes] Then I suggest you look again.
[gives phone to Eddie who's tied to a chair]
Lew Vogel: Speak to your friends.
[holds phone out and puts glasses back on]
Eddie Burton: [terrified and miserable] Hello? Who is this?
Terry

Leather: Eddie, this is Terry.
Eddie Burton: [crying] Oh Terry, fucking hell. Dave's all messed up, and they're going to do the same to me. You got to help.
Terry Leather: [calm] Listen to me, Eddie. I don't have what he wants.
Eddie Burton: No?
[off Vogol's bitter stern look who has heard this too starts

panicking]
Eddie Burton: No, you've got to have what they want, you've got to. You've got to help.
Terry Leather: Eddie, what am I supposed to do? You tell him, we don't have it!
Eddie Burton: [pleading] You've got to. You have to. You...
Terry Leather: [yelling] What else am I supposed to do? Tell him

that! You tell him, I don't have his fucking ledger! You tell that cunt now!
Eddie Burton: [breaking down in tears softly to Vogol who has lowered the phone] No.
[shaking his head]
Eddie Burton: He doesn't have it.
Lew Vogel: [nods/says understandingly but in reality sarcastic] Right.
[nods to cohort]

Vogol's cohort: [making a quick fluid motion takes his gun out and shoots/kills Dave]
Eddie Burton: NO!
[Lew Vogel puts the phone back up to Eddie's face so he can report the news to Terry]
Eddie Burton: They just shot Dave.
[tears streaming down his face]
Eddie Burton: Dave is dead.
[Terry Leather's face

is covered with a shocked look]
Lew Vogel: [takes the phone and says in it] I'll give you one hour to find what I want... or I'll kill this man too.
[hangs phone up]
Terry Leather: [more shocked then ever hangs up and runs with Kevin to the van. They start emptying every bag out, creating a heap of papers] Fuck!
Kevin

Swain: [sees a red ledger] Wait, is this it? This might be it.
Terry Leather: [picks it up and reads] Lew Vogel. That's what this bastard is.

Teen #1: [recording Miri undressing, revealing "granny panties"] Those are fucking granny panties!
Zack: [Zack blocks the view with his ass, then sticks his thumb up it] Sorry guys, am I in the way?
Teen #2: You're a fucking faggot, alright?
Teen #1: Let's go to Starbucks, this guy's a shitty barista anyways.

Zack: Cock?
[throws a cup at the teens]
Teen #1: And he throws like a bitch!
Zack: You know what else I've thrown, my nutsack in your coffee so how'd that taste, fuckers?
Teen #2: We saw your girlfriend in her underwear, cunt nugget!
Zack: Well too bad, she's not my

girlfriend you little fuck -
[they leave]
Zack: oh, they're gone.

Brian Fantana: [referring to Jill and Wendy] I like the way they're put together.
Champ Kind: I like fighting girls.
Jill Janson, Entertainment Tonight Reporter: I like to cunt punt cowboys.
Wendy Van Peele, Entertainment Tonight Reporter: You eat pussy?
Jill Janson, Entertainment Tonight

Reporter: You're gonna.

Elton John: For as long as I can remember, I've hated myself. Believed I'd never be loved.
Counselor: Shows progress to take responsibility for your actions.
Elton John: Yeah, but I started acting like a cunt in 1975. I just forgot to stop.
[pause]
Elton John: I do feel ashamed. Spent so long feeling

resentful for things that just don't matter.
[pause]
Elton John: Maybe I should've tried to be more ordinary.
[an illusion of Ivy walks into the rehab counseling room]
Elton John: Hello, Nan.
Ivy: You was never ordinary.
Sheila: Look at you. In here, talking about your feelings. What a

waste of time.
Elton John: Mum, I know it was never easy. And I hope you can forgive me. Because I've realized that's what we need to do now. Forgive each other.
John Reid: No, your problem is you're selfish.
Elton John: No. My problem was I believed you loved me. And you're incapable of it. I gave everything to keep something

that I never even had in the first place.
Fred: I always thought you was an introverted extrovert.
Sheila: A what?
Ivy: He's shy. He's always been shy.
Sheila: It's all his father's fault.
Stanley: Don't blame me. He'd have been strange, regardless.
Elton

John: Actually, I think I'm okay with 'strange'.
Sheila: [looking at Stanley] God. Not him.
Elton John: Both of you. Stop. I'm not going to allow you to talk to me like this anymore.
Bernie Taupin: It's about time you said that.
Elton John: Bernie. I never told you how much I need you.

Bernie Taupin: No, no, no. I love you, man. Always have, always will. You write songs that millions of people love. And that's what's important. You just need to remember who you are, and be okay with it.
John Reid: He doesn't know who he is.
[Elton gets up and approaches Reid]
Elton John: Yes, I do. I'm Elton Hercules John.

Young Reggie: I thought you were Reggie Dwight.
[Elton turns around to face his younger self]
Elton John: I haven't been Reggie Dwight for years.
[Elton approaches his younger self in the center of the room and gets down on one knee. Young Reggie touches Elton's cheek]
Young Reggie: When are you going to hug me?

[Elton embraces Young Reggie]