Zack and Miri Make a Porno Quotes

Zack Brown: I'm gonna fuck you with my pecker!
Miriam Linky: Dude... that's really dirty.
Zack Brown: That's too dirty?
Miriam Linky: That offends me.
Zack Brown: Penis?
Miriam Linky: Fine.
Zack Brown: I'm gonna fuck you with my penis!

Zack Brown: What brings you here?
Brandon: I came here with somebody who went to school here, Bobby Long.
Zack Brown: No shit! That's who my friend's hitting on right now! See, right there, the one dressed like Hannah Montana.
Brandon: In L.A. we call that look 'Nickelodeon Chique'.
Zack

Brown: Wait, L.A.? Los Angeles? That's awesome, man, what do you do out there?
Brandon: I'm an actor.
Zack Brown: Wow! That's really impressive.
Brandon: Thank you.
Zack Brown: Fucking movies?
Brandon: Fucking movies. Pretty much.
Zack Brown: Look

at you! Anything I've seen? What movies?
Brandon: Oh, all sorts of movies with all-male casts.
Zack Brown: All-male casts? Like "Glengarry Glen Ross"? Like that?
Brandon: Like "Glen and Gary suck Ross's meaty cock and drop their hairy nuts in his eager mouth."
Zack Brown: [stunned] ... is that like a

sequel?
Brandon: Sort of. It's a reimagining.
Zack Brown: Oh, like "The Wiz".
Brandon: More erotic. And with less women. No women, to be exact.
Zack Brown: I apologize in advance if I'm out of line here, but are you in gay porn?
Brandon: Guilty as charged.

Zack Brown: [imagining Miri in a porn film] Oh, my God, yeah.
Miriam Linky: What? You got an idea?
Zack Brown: We could make a porno.
Miriam Linky: Not the idea I was lookin' for.
Zack Brown: What? No, that is a fuckin' awesome idea. Are you shitting me? That guy, Brandon St. Randy,

Bobby Long's boyfriend, he said he makes a hundred grand a year because he shoots and distributes his own porno flicks.
Miriam Linky: If it's so easy, how come everybody doesn't do it?
Zack Brown: Because other people have options - and dignity - which we do not have, which puts us in an amazingly advantageous position!

Zack Brown: I don't mean to alarm you... but I think I just jerked off Lester a little bit.
Miriam Linky: The Dutch Rudder?
Zack Brown: Yeah! It's ingenious, really.
Miriam Linky: If you ask me nicely, I will Dutch Rudder you for the rest of our lives.
Zack Brown: Good. I'm getting

tired of fuckin' a fleshlight.
Miriam Linky: [laughing] You fucked it?
Zack Brown: Yeah.
Miriam Linky: What'd it feel like?
Zack Brown: ...fucking a flashlight.

Zack Brown: How come you get to be all Buck Rogers, having sex in the 25th century with Twiki and Dr. Theopolis, and I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergen's in the batroom?
Miriam Linky: Holy Bejeesus, tell me you don't use my Jergen's to whack it.
Zack Brown: No, you know what I do? I light a bunch of candles, and I sprawl out on my

sheets, and I listen to Sting. No, I'm a guy. You give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to fuck it, like a filthy MacGuyver!

Zack Brown: I've known her since the first grade, you don't fuck someone you met in the first grade.
Delaney: Excuse me, I met my wife in kindergarten, we got married senior year, and she's been the queen of my world ever since.
Zack Brown: But what if you could do it all over again?
Delaney: I would jerk off

and live by myself. That woman is the bane of my existence.

Zack Brown: Hello, Miriam.
Miriam Linky: Beat it, we're talking.
Zack Brown: I just wanted to introduce you to Brandon.
Brandon: Salutations.
Zack Brown: Bobby's boyfriend.
Miriam Linky: Bobby who?
Bobby Long: Bobby me.
Zack

Brown: Brandon, uh, is the star as such adult fare as, what was that one called again?
Brandon: "You better shut your mouth or I'm gonna fuck it."
Zack Brown: That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that.
Miriam Linky: Are you fucking with me?
Zack Brown: [amused] No, they're fucking with each

other.

Zack Brown: Dude, with your cut of the profits, you're gonna get two flat screens. OK? You'll have one in your living room. You'll have one in your bathroom!
Delaney: One in the bathroom? You know, it's always been my dream to watch shit while I shit.
Zack Brown: Everyone with an ass loves to watch shit while they shit! I'm gonna

make that happen for you, man.

Zack Brown: This is just the beginning, guys. If Star Whores works and *it will*, we are set up for sequels galore. The Empire Strikes Ass.
Miriam Linky: Return of the Brown Eye.
Deacon: The Phantom Man Ass.
Delaney: And Revenge of the Shit: The All Anal Final Chapter.
[awkward silence]

Zack Brown: ...okay.
Delaney: Revenge of the Shit, you got it?
Miriam Linky: No, yeah we got it.
Stacey: Ew.
Delaney: [under his breath] Fuck you, mothafuckas.