Wedding Crashers Quotes

John Beckwith: Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.
Jeremy Grey: Well snap out of it! What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl.
John Beckwith: I wasn't crying like a little girl.
Jeremy Grey: Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole

damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat?
[makes sputtering motorboat noise]
Jeremy Grey: You motorboatin son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?

John Beckwith: What's wrong with you?
Jeremy Grey: What do you mean "what's wrong with me?" What's wrong with you?
John Beckwith: No, what's wrong with you?
Jeremy Grey: No, what's wrong with you? You're projecting!
John Beckwith: Drop it.
Jeremy Grey: You drop

it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.
John Beckwith: Drop it!
[starts walking away]
Jeremy Grey: Team player!

[John has just referred to an aunt, only to be told by a guest that she is dead]
Jeremy Grey: How many times you gonna do this shit? Rule #32: You don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse.
John Beckwith: Rule #16: Give me an up-to-date family tree. That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.

Jeremy Grey: Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!

Randolph: [In unrated version] You banging the daughter and the grandma? How much jam you got, man?
Jeremy Grey: Jam, I...
Randolph: Listen man, the family dog lives downstairs. I can wake him up for you if you like. His name is Snooky.
Jeremy Grey: You could not be more wrong about what's happening here...

Randolph: Just be gentle with her, OK? She be pushing 90.
Jeremy Grey: Jesus Christ!

John Beckwith: Claire! Will you wait just a second? All I wanted is was a second alone with you so I could explain things. But I've never gotten that chance. Maybe I don't deserve it, so here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. I crashed weddings to meet girls. Business was good. I met a *lot* of girls. It was childish and it was

juvenile.
Claire Cleary: And pathetic.
John Beckwith: Yeah. That's probably the best word to describe it. But you know what? It also led me to you, so it's hard for me to completely regret it. And that person that you met back at your folks' place? That was really me. Maybe not my name, I'm John Beckwith by the way. Or my job. But the feelings we

felt; the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me. I've changed. I've realized something. I crashed a funeral today.
Jeremy Grey: [mutters] Oh Jesus.
John Beckwith: It wasn't my idea, I was basically dragged to it.
[to Jeremy]
John Beckwith: I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. He also might

be a genius because it actually does work, he's cleaning up.
Claire Cleary: John!
John Beckwith: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she's a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world and I realized we're all going to lose the people we love. That's the way it is, but not me. Not

right now. Because the person *I* love the most is standing right here and I'm not ready to lose you yet. Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me, I'm just asking you not to marry *him* and maybe take a walk, take a chance.

Jeremy Grey: Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's got to be an interesting combination.
Sack Lodge: I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?
Jeremy Grey: Not nearly as much as I do with the attire that you have on, or

just your general point of view towards everybody. But let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.

[Kathleen Cleary walks into John's bedroom, unbuttons her blouse and shows John her boobs]
Kathleen Cleary: I just had my tits done. You like 'em?
John Beckwith: [shocked] Those... seem like lovely tits.
Kathleen Cleary: William doesn't give a shit about my tits.
John Beckwith: Well, darn him. But Mrs.

Cleary, this is pretty sudden...
Kathleen Cleary: Oh, you been playing "Cat and Mouse" with me ever since you came here.
John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary, I don't...
Kathleen Cleary: Call me Kat.
John Beckwith: Okay, Kat.
Kathleen Cleary: Call me "Kitty Kat".
[growls]

John Beckwith: Okay, Kitty Kat. This feels "borderline" inappropriate.
[Kathleen walks closer to John]
Kathleen Cleary: Feel them.
John Beckwith: What?
Kathleen Cleary: I said feel them!
John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary...
Kathleen Cleary: Kitty Kat.

John Beckwith: I'm sorry, Kitty Kat, are you out of your fucking mind?
Kathleen Cleary: I'm not letting you out of this room until you feel them.
[Completely hesitant and nervous, John feels her boobs; Kathleen moans softly]
John Beckwith: Wow, they feel really nice. Real orb-like. It's amazing what they can do...

[Kathleen shudders and puts her blouse back on]
Kathleen Cleary: Pervert!

Janice: I've got the perfect girl for you!
Jeremy Grey: [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I

interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like

that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called

"just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair.
Janice: Okay...
Jeremy Grey: OK, can you, can you put that so he can't see it? Thank you. Hey, Janice... great talk.

Claire Cleary: [to Sack] I can't marry you.
Sack Lodge: Secretary. Your daughter's a little...
Secretary Cleary: Sack, I've always liked you. So I put up with your stories about scallops and otters, and it's all good because you seem to make her happy and that's what matters to me most. But this is *her* decision.
[he makes a

mock salute to her]
Secretary Cleary: I stand by my daughter.
Sack Lodge: [waving him off] You don't know shit.