Kelvin Moore: Listen, I'm a player. But I shut down my playerness from New Years to St. Patty's Day just so I can avoid this day.
Morley Clarkson: And then there's the whole thing with my parents' horrible...
Reed Bennett: Your parents, wait, hold on, wait a second, just because your parents had a bad divorce doesn't mean that you're going to have a bad divorce. They're not hereditary, it's not like it's contagious.
Morley Clarkson: You're not getting it. You
know the first phone call I made after you proposed was to my office, to confirm my ten o'clock meeting.
Oversized Baggage Agent: [to Reed] Look, I'm 52, and I wear a bright blue shirt to work. Don't make me madder than I already am.
Reed Bennett: That's what I'm doing here. Because apparently everyone and their mother felt that way but nobody had the guts to tell me. And now, I'm left with some stupid ring and an empty closet and an ache in my gut the size of Texas because nobody told me.
Julia Fitzpatrick: My name is Julia. And I'm gonna be your server tonight. Why don't I get started with a few specials?
Pamela Copeland: Yes, please.
Julia Fitzpatrick: Tonight the chef is featuring a dish that he likes to call the Lying, Stinking, Pig.
Pamela Copeland: You're kidding! How is that cooked?
Julia Fitzpatrick: He starts by cutting off the pig's testicles and he chops them up really finely, teeny, tiny pieces. And then he takes those testicles and he pulverizes them and adds in a little arugula. Some sage, feta cheese, and shoves the mixture back up the pig's well, for lack of a better word, ass.
Pamela Copeland: Really?
Julia
Fitzpatrick: Yeah. Then he cuts out the heart. The cold, useless, tiny, little heart. Then fillets it on either side and it's a nice amuse bouche.
Pamela Copeland: I'll have the salmon.
Liz: Thank you so much for last night, I had a blast, and there is fresh coffee for you in the kitchen.
Jason: I think I'm out of coffee.
Liz: Yeah you were, but i borrowed some from your neighbor. By the way she was very surprised that you had female company, she thought that you were gay. Don't worry, I set her straight.
Jason: Bye.
Dr. Harrison Copeland: What's there to hate?
Julia Fitzpatrick: Nothing, if you're a handsome, divorced doctor, but for the rest of us single women, it's kind of a giant cosmic bitchslap. It's like the universe saying, look, remember when you were fourteen and you had cystic acne and braces and you played the saxophone in the marching band and no one would
invite you to the winter formal? Well nothing's changed.
Dr. Harrison Copeland: Oh, I would crawl over cut glass to take you to the winter formal. And then I would prescribe Retin-A for your skin.
Kara Monahan: You came.
[sees Julia is mad]
Kara Monahan: What happened?
Julia Fitzpatrick: [Julia gestures for the bat. Kara let's her take it] He's married.
Julia Fitzpatrick: [Julia destroys the heart pinata with the baseball bat!] Now that's what I call open-heart surgery.
Julia
Fitzpatrick: Peppermint Pattie?
Kara Monahan: Yep.
[Kara takes the candy from Julia]