Trading Places Quotes

Billy Ray Valentine: [Billy Ray is in jail] I wish my bitches would get here. I ain't got time to be sitting in this cell with you.
Even Bigger Black Guy: Where are your bitches, Mr. Big-Time Pimp?
Big Black Guy: Yeah!
Billy Ray Valentine: [to cellmate #2] Didn't I tell you that the phone in my limousine is

busted, and I can't get in contact with my bitches?
Cellmate #2: [to the Big Black Guy] Yeah! The phone in the limo was busted. What is ya, ignorant?

Randolph Duke: We want to help you, Mr. Valentine. My brother and I run a privately-funded program to rehabilitate culturally disadvantaged people. We'd like to supply you with a home of your own, a car, a generous bank account, and employment with our company.
Mortimer Duke: We're going to start you at $80,000 a year.
Billy Ray

Valentine: $80,000?
Mortimer Duke: Mmm-hmm.
Billy Ray Valentine: Excuse me.
[Leans forward and addresses the chauffeur]
Billy Ray Valentine: This is a practical joke, right, brother?
[the chauffeur shakes his head]
Billy Ray Valentine: Then these dudes are a couple of faggots

then, huh?
[the chauffeur shakes his head again]
Billy Ray Valentine: What's my next move, man?
[the chauffeur shrugs]
Billy Ray Valentine: Thank you, you've been helpful.

Stationmaster: This animal is being routed through to New York. It's care and feeding instructions are on this bill of lading.
Baggage Handler #2: Okay, gotcha.
Stationmaster: Now, I doubt if you'll have any problems, but if you do, there's a tranquilizer gun in the first aid kit.
Baggage Handler #1: Oh, yeah?

Baggage Handler #1: [sniffs] Say, have you guys been drinking?
Baggage Handler #2: Oh no, not us.
Baggage Handler #1: There's enough drunks on this train, already.

Coleman: My life's savings, sir. Try not to lose it.
Billy Ray Valentine: Lose it? Why, in a couple hours you gonna be the richest butler that ever lived, man.
Ophelia: I worked real hard for this, Louie. I hope you know what you're doing.
Louis Winthorpe III: Thank you, Ophelia.

Ophelia: What are you doing?
Billy Ray Valentine: [Their train number is called over the loudspeaker] That's us, Louie.
Louis Winthorpe III: Coleman, could you hold this?
[handing him Ophelia's envelope of money before he kisses her for good luck. Then just before they embrace she takes her chewing gum out of her mouth, smiles

and hands it to Coleman, who rolls his eyes upwards in subtle gee-thanks look]
Coleman: [He turns to Ophelia] I could use a stiff drink. Would you care to join me?
[With a slight smile to each other, they lock arms walking of together]

Official #1: Margin call, gentlemen.
Mortimer Duke: You can't seriously expect us to...
President of Exchange: You KNOW the rules of the Exchange, Mr. Duke! All accounts are to be settled at the end of the day's trading, WITHOUT exceptions.
Randolph Duke: You know perfectly WELL we don't have three hundred and

ninety-four million dollars in CASH!
Official #2: I'm sorry, boys. Put the--Dukes's seats on the Exchange up for sale at once, and seize all holdings of Duke & Duke Commodities Brokers as well as all personal holdings of Randolph and Mortimer Duke.
Randolph Duke: My God. We're RUINED.
[clutches his chest]
Mortimer Duke:

This is an outrage! I DEMAND an investigation! YOU can't sell our seats! A Duke has been SITTING on this Exchange since it was FOUNDED! We FOUNDED this Exchange! It's OURS! It belongs to US!
Randolph Duke: My God...
[collapses in shock]
Official #2: Mortimer, your brother's not well! We'd better call an ambulance!
Mortimer

Duke: FUCK *him!* Now you listen to me. I want trading reopened *right now.* Get those brokers back in here! Turn those machines back on!
[shouting, in a pathetic echo throughout the Exchange trading floor and hall]
Mortimer Duke: TURN THOSE MACHINES BACK ON!

Billy Ray Valentine: [being pushed away by the doorman] Hey, man! I really don't appreciate this! I don't care what it is! A spiced ham! Anything! Some crackers!
[the Dukes enter the building]
Billy Ray Valentine: Thanks a lot. How'd you like a stump up your ass?
Heritage Club Doorman: Stay outta here!
Billy Ray

Valentine: You got a lotta soul. 'Preciate it.