Walter: [pointing gun at Adriana, who is stealing his FAV] Ma'am, STEP AWAY FROM THE CHENOWTH!
[Adriana drives off]
Walter: Ma'am! OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE STOP!
Sgt. Troy Barlow: [upon learning Said's wife is a double amputee] That's horrible.
Capt. Said: Oh my God, buddy, I didn't even told you the horrible part yet. My son. My son was killed in his bed. He is one years old... he is sleeping with his doll when the bomb come...
Archie Gates: That's what makes S.F. so badass; we got the best flashlights.
Conrad Vig: One gold Rolex would get me a very nice split-level house outside of Garland.
Troy Barlow: Five Rolexes would get my family that Lexus convertible.
Chief Elgin: I told you, Lexus doesn't make a convertible.
Troy Barlow: Yes they do, it has room in the back for a kid's seat.
Chief
Elgin: Infiniti has a convertible but not Lexus.
Troy Barlow: Wrong.
Chief Elgin: Either way, the Good Lord has put this map in our path and I believe we're gonna find something.
Troy Barlow: Yeah, he could also put a land mine in our path if we go out there.
Archie Gates: [about Kuwaiti gold] My guess is he's divided these bricks into several different stashes. Just one of these stashes will be easy to take from Saddam's deserting army, and that will be enough to get us out of our day jobs. Unless, of course, you reservists are in love with your day jobs.
[cut to a shot of Troy getting ink all over himself at his office; cut to
a shot of Chief throwing luggage onto a plane; cut to a shot of Conrad shooting stuffed animals with a shotgun]
Conrad Vig: I don't really have a day job, sir.
[Maj. Gates knows a map has been found in one of an Iraqi soldier's orifices, but isn't sure which]
Archie Gates: Good afternoon. Would this be the proctology tent?
Chief Elgin: No, sir.
Archie Gates: Maybe it's the urology tent. Or the neurology tent. Or the ear, nose, and throat tent.
Troy Barlow:
Captain's at a staff meeting, sir.
Archie Gates: Captain a proctologist?
Conrad Vig: What's a proctologist, sir?
Conrad Vig: [pointing a machine gun at Iraqi soldiers] Don't make me smoke your ass, Abdul!
Col. Horn: You are all under arrest, you're getting court-martialed and you're gonna show us that bullion.