Three Kings
Three Kings

Archie Gates: You know anything about gunshot wounds?
Conrad Vig: I don't know.
Archie Gates: Specifically, the worst thing about a gunshot wound, provided you survive the bullet, is something called sepsis.
Chief Elgin: Infection of the blood...
Archie Gates: That's right. Say a bullet

tears into your gut. It creates a cavity in the dead tissue. That cavity fills up with bile, and bacteria, and you're fucked.

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Adriana Cruz: I don't want him walking away from me, going to other reporters, and giving away my stories.
Archie Gates: What stories? You don't have any stories.
Adriana Cruz: You don't fuckin' tell people that.

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Three Kings

Walter: [pointing gun at Adriana, who is stealing his FAV] Ma'am, STEP AWAY FROM THE CHENOWTH!
[Adriana drives off]
Walter: Ma'am! OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE STOP!

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Three Kings

Sgt. Troy Barlow: [upon learning Said's wife is a double amputee] That's horrible.
Capt. Said: Oh my God, buddy, I didn't even told you the horrible part yet. My son. My son was killed in his bed. He is one years old... he is sleeping with his doll when the bomb come...

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Conrad Vig: Kaboom! Y'all see that cow's head shoot up? It's like a cartoon! It's fuckin' crazy!

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Three Kings

Troy Barlow: I'm gonna buy a set of Lexus convertibles in every color.
Chief Elgin: I told you, Lexus don't make a convertible.
Troy Barlow: I'll bet you a Lexus they do.
Chief Elgin: Alright, but it won't be a convertible.

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Troy Barlow: Walter, just stand outside so Chief can translate my Iraqi ass map... okay?

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Conrad Vig: Man... I didn't join the army to pull paper our of people's asses.

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Archie Gates: That's what makes S.F. so badass; we got the best flashlights.

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[Maj. Gates stops the car after hearing an explosion]
Archie Gates: What was that?
Conrad Vig: I rigged the football with C-4, sir.
Archie Gates: Why would you do that?

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Three Kings

Conrad Vig: One gold Rolex would get me a very nice split-level house outside of Garland.
Troy Barlow: Five Rolexes would get my family that Lexus convertible.
Chief Elgin: I told you, Lexus doesn't make a convertible.
Troy Barlow: Yes they do, it has room in the back for a kid's seat.
Chief

Elgin: Infiniti has a convertible but not Lexus.
Troy Barlow: Wrong.
Chief Elgin: Either way, the Good Lord has put this map in our path and I believe we're gonna find something.
Troy Barlow: Yeah, he could also put a land mine in our path if we go out there.

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Three Kings

Archie Gates: [about Kuwaiti gold] My guess is he's divided these bricks into several different stashes. Just one of these stashes will be easy to take from Saddam's deserting army, and that will be enough to get us out of our day jobs. Unless, of course, you reservists are in love with your day jobs.
[cut to a shot of Troy getting ink all over himself at his office; cut to

a shot of Chief throwing luggage onto a plane; cut to a shot of Conrad shooting stuffed animals with a shotgun]
Conrad Vig: I don't really have a day job, sir.

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Three Kings

[Maj. Gates knows a map has been found in one of an Iraqi soldier's orifices, but isn't sure which]
Archie Gates: Good afternoon. Would this be the proctology tent?
Chief Elgin: No, sir.
Archie Gates: Maybe it's the urology tent. Or the neurology tent. Or the ear, nose, and throat tent.
Troy Barlow:

Captain's at a staff meeting, sir.
Archie Gates: Captain a proctologist?
Conrad Vig: What's a proctologist, sir?

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Three Kings

Conrad Vig: [pointing a machine gun at Iraqi soldiers] Don't make me smoke your ass, Abdul!

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Archie Gates: [to Col. Horn, about the Gulf War] Just tell me what we did here!

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Conrad Vig: Didn't think I'd get to see anybody get shot in this war.

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Troy Barlow: We'll I'm gonna be wearing some fashionable Kevlar.
Conrad Vig: Yeah, me too.

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Col. Horn: You are all under arrest, you're getting court-martialed and you're gonna show us that bullion.

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Sgt. Troy Barlow: Great! A fuckin' tank! That should send us on our way.

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Three Kings

Sgt. Troy Barlow: I heard a lot of bad shit happened in Kuwait.
Capt. Said: Yes... bad shit happened... I'm not proud of that. Yes Saddam is very crazy, but then you are crazy for coming here.