The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

Robbie: [singing] I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad / Carry you around when your arthritis is bad / All I wanna do is grow old with you. / I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches / build you a fire if the furnace breaks / Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you. / I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold. / Need you, feed you, I'll even let you

hold the remote control. / So let me do the dishes in the kitchen sink / Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink. / Oh I could be the man to grow old with you. / I wanna grow old with you.

The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

Robbie: [Linda shows up for the first time after failing to marry him] You're late.
Linda: [sighs] I'm sorry... I just couldn't do it.
Robbie: Well, if you need more time, I guess I could wait.
Linda: No... I don't need more time, Robbie. I don't ever want to marry you.
Robbie: [takes a

deep breath, sighs] Gee, you know that information... really would've been more useful to me *yesterday.*
Linda: I've been talking with my friends the last few days...
Robbie: Oh, boy, here it comes.
Linda: ...and I think I've figured out what's been bothering me. I'm not in love with Robbie, now. I'm in love with Robbie, six

years ago. Robbie, the lead singer of Final Warning; I used to come watch you when you were in your silk shirt and Spandex pants, and you would sing into the microphone like you were David Lee Roth.
Robbie: I've still got the Spandex; I'll put 'em on right now.
Linda: The point is, I woke up this morning and realized I'm about to get married to a

wedding singer? I am never gonna leave Richfield!
Robbie: Why do you need to leave Richfield? We grew up here. All our friends are here; it's the perfect place to raise a family.
Linda: Oh, yeah - sure! Living in your sister's basement with five kids while you're off every weekends doing wedding gigs at a whoppin' sixty bucks a pop?

Robbie: Once again, things that could've been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!

The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

Robbie: You don't know how much I need you. / While you're near me, I don't feel blue / And when we kiss I know you need me to. / I can't believe I found a love that's so pure and true. But it all was bullshit. / It was a goddamn joke / And when I think of you, Linda / I hope you fucking choke. I hope you're glad with what you've done to me. / I lay in bed all day long feeling

melancholy. / You left me here, all alone, tears running constantly. / Oh would somebody kill me please? Somebody kill me please. / I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please / Kill me. / I want to die. / Put a bullet in my heeeeaaaad.

The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

Billy Idol: Good afternoon, everyone. We're flying at 26,000 feet, moving up to 30,000 feet, and we've got clear skies all the way to Las Vegas. Right now, we're bringing you some in-flight entertainment. One of our first class passengers would like to sing you a song inspired by one of our coach passengers. And since we let our first class passengers do, pretty much whatever they

want, here he is...

The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

Robbie: All right, remember - alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you!

The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

Father of the Bride: Hey, buddy, I'm not paying you to hear your thoughts on life. I'm paying you to sing.
Robbie: Well, I have a microphone, and you don't, SO YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY DAMN WORD I HAVE TO SAY!

The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

Rosie: Are you nervous?
Robbie: I'm actually not that nervous. I've been around lots of weddings before, so I figure it won't be very different.
Rosie: I didn't mean about the wedding. I meant about the wedding night. Will this be your first time with intercourse?
Robbie: Uh...
Rosie:

Well, don't be ashamed. You know, when I got married, I wasn't a virgin. I'd already had intercourse with eight men.
Robbie: Now, that's something I didn't wanna know about.
Rosie: That was a lot back then; it'd be like two hundred today!

The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

[at a job interview for a bank]
Mr. Simms: Do you have any experience?
Robbie: No, sir, I have no experience but I'm a big fan of money. I like it, I use it, I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you come in.

The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

Glenn's buddy: Robbie Hart? Oh, man, I heard what happened to you at your wedding, that was so cold! You must've felt like shit!
Robbie: No, it felt real good, thanks for bringing that up, man. Hey, my parents died when I was ten, would you like to talk about that?
Glenn's buddy: No, why would I wanna talk about that?

Robbie: I don't know.

The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

Robbie: Hey, psycho - we're not gonna discuss this, OK, it's over. Please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.

The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

Jimmie Moore: [after listening to Robbie's song] He's losing his mind.
[Eyes widen]
Jimmie Moore: And I'm reaping all the benefits.
[smiles and disappears behind the curtain]

The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

Robbie: You hit two cones back there. Those could have been people... they could have been guests at her wedding!
Sammy: [exasperated] They were *cones*!

The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

[about women]
Old Man in Bar: They rip your heart out of your ass!

The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

Glenn: Hey, asswipe, don't go snitching to Julia about this. I know you got a little crush on her, but you gotta face the facts: she'd rather go to bed with a REAL man. Not some poor singing orphan.
Robbie: All right, shithead. I haven't been in a fight since I was in the fifth grade, but I beat the shit out of that kid, so now I'm going to beat the shit

out of you.
[Old guy throws a weak punch at Glenn and misses horribly]
Robbie: Hey, what are you doing, man?
Old Man in Bar: I'm sorry. I used to be much stronger.

The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

[Rosie is trying to get Robbie to practice asking women out]
Rosie: I'll be a beautiful young woman, and you be Robbie. Now, ask me out.
Robbie: You know, I'm really not comfortable...
Rosie: [In character] Hello, sir. Was there something you wanted to ask me?
Robbie: [sighs] Fine. Would you like to go

out on a date with me?
Rosie: [solemnly] No. Your penis is too small.

The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

Julia: May I ask what happened with Linda?
Robbie: She wasn't the right one, I guess.
Julia: Did you have any idea she wasn't the right one when you were together?
Robbie: I should have. Uh, I remember we went to the Grand Canyon one time. We were flying there and I'd never been there before and Linda had, so

you would think that she would give me the window seat but she didn't and... not that that's a big deal, you know. It's just there were a lot of little things like that. I know that sounds stupid...
Julia: Not at all. I think it's the little things that count.

The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

Robbie: Cindy and Scott are newlyweds! Whoopee-dee-doo!

The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

Julia: [into the mirror in her wedding dress] Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm Julia Guglia.
[disgusted at the sound of it]
Julia: Julia Guglia. Hi, it's nice to meet you I'm Julia Guglia...
[breaks out in tears, pauses, then smiles]
Julia: Hello, it's nice to meet you. I'm Mrs. Robbie Hart.
[dreamily]

Julia: Robbie and I are so pleased you could come to our wedding...

The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

Robbie: Are you drinking, too?
Julia: No, it's Coca-Cola.
Robbie: Are you sure? There's no rum in that Coca-Cola?
Julia: I'm not a big drinker. And if it was, I'd probably be puking more than that kid!
Robbie: Oh, I don't think anybody could puke more than than kid. I think I saw a boot

come out of him.

The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer

Glenn: [after punching Robbie] You know, you should write a song about this. You could call it "I got punched in the nose for sticking my face in other people's business".
[he and his friends walk off laughing]
Old man in bar: Sounds like a country song!