Samantha Powell: Whatever had or hadn't happened in the past, I was gonna be the hero of my own story.
Lauren Palmer: Daddies don't get lonely. They only marry younger mommies.
Hank Palmer: Well, we'll figure it all out baby.
Lauren Palmer: It happened to Megan. Then it happened to Kaitlyn. I just didn't think it'd happen to me.
Hank Palmer: Me neither.
Samantha Powell: Stop staring. I know I look good.
[first lines]
Mike Kattan: [stomping into the mens room] You're not getting away with this. Palmer, you asshole!... Hey!
Hank Palmer: [turning toward him getting him wet] Yeah. Oops.
Judge Joseph Palmer: Lisa played hide the pickle with someone else.
Juror #8: Gun control means using both hands.
Samantha Powell: Yeah, well, it's my bullshit, kindly remove your shoes from it.
Judge Joseph Palmer: You gonna be ok at the funeral tomorrow? That camera makes an appearance, we both know where it's heading, right?
Dale Palmer: Up my ass.
Judge Joseph Palmer: Good man.
Hank Palmer: Dial down the crazy now. Dial it down.
Glen Palmer: Don't pat me. Don't pat me. I'm the big brother here. Don't pat me.
Mike Kattan: Is this the first time your mom passed away, or is it something you do on all cases you're about to lose?
Judge Carter: I'm sorry for your loss.
Hank Palmer: First time...
Hank Palmer: Tell me about Lauren. Likes-dislikes? What the future may hold for you? Where you leaning? Teacher? Doctor? Lawyer! Seems popular lately.
Lauren Palmer: [while licking ice cream] Race car driver. I just like to go really fast.
Hank Palmer: Deputy Hanson, you were previously an officer in Detroit?
Dwight Dickham: Objection, the deputy's credentials are not in question.
Hank Palmer: I was gonna say 'welcome to Carlinville'.
[Officer smiles awkwardly]
Hank Palmer: Who the fuck is Carla's dad? Please.
Samantha Powell: [Overlapping] Oh, go to the court house; pull her birth certificate.
Hank Palmer: I did. There's no father's name listed.
Samantha Powell: No, there is not. Because Carla's father was never gonna be her father.
Lauren Palmer: So, grandpa Palmer's dead too?
Hank Palmer: No, granda Palmer's dead to me. It's like a figure of speech.
Lauren Palmer: It sounds complicated. I should go with you.
Hank Palmer: Trust me, nobody wants to go to Carlinville, Indiana.
Hank Palmer: This family is a f***ing Piccaso.
Dale Palmer: [seeing Hank backs the car wildly up the driveway with his father in the car] They shouldn't drive together.
Hank Palmer: Hey judge, where are you going? Indiana state penitentiary is this way.
