Scrubs Quotes

Turk: Who are these guys?
J.D.: These are the last eight guys in the hospital that don't realize I suck at basketball. So here's what gonna happen: I finally mastered my running hook shot so when we go to pick teams I'm gonna hit that shot. Then you say I'll pick that guy at which point Carla is gonna page me and I'll say "*Crap*, I've gotta go." And you'll

go "*Damn*, we just lost the best player out here." And then there will be eight guys in the hospital who think I'm good at sports and word will spread.
Turk: When do you find time to see your patients?
J.D.: Between these thoughts.

Paul Flowers: Sometimes it feels like you're holding back.
Elliot: Of course I'm holding back, I'm insane you idiot. Remember the other day when you told me I had pit-stains, well I have cried every fifteen minutes on the half-hour since you told me that. I am racked with self-doubt, I have panic attacks, I'm claustrophobic, germ-phobic, phobia-phobic. I

talk to myself, I talk to my cats, I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice and, yesterday, when that stupid, pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves I almost killed the guy who's leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks. Why a box of steaks? 'Cos my Dad

had an affair with a female butcher and, as I mentioned before, I am insane. There, I opened up, are you happy?

Dr. Cox: Carla you devil I can't help but notice you love telling jokes. What was it you were saying about your coffee?
Carla: I said 'It's so good it's like crack'.
[nurses stare]
Dr. Cox: Normally you would hear crickets but they were uncomfortable about just how unfunny that was.
Carla: So what I'm

not funny?
Dr. Cox: I think your very funny when your up on your high horse, you know when you stay right in your wheelhouse. Everyone is funny for something. Barbie is an emotional trainwreck, your husband sells with a cocky attitude...
Turk: Well you know I do what I do when I do what I do
Dr. Cox: Alice here sells it with a

lost stare, and now that I've said Alice your picturing me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.
[flash to Cox as the maid]
Dr. Cox: Am I right?
[cut back]
Dr. Cox: Then there are people with funny names... Dr. Beardface, Dr. Mickhead, Col. Doctor, Snoop Dogg Intern...
Snoop Dogg Intern: Yo!
Dr.

Cox: Sorry Snoop Dogg Resident. Laverne believes in God which is hilarious to me and Ted is the hospital sad sack.
Ted: I am?
Dr. Cox: Yes
Ted: Awwwww!
Dr. Cox: And me well, I'm funny cause I commit. C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T... T
[points pinky and makes sipping motion]
Dr.

Cox: . To tell you the truth there is only one person here who is funny no matter what he says.
Dr. Kelso: Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's gettin heat stroke.
Dr. Cox: The point is *PLEASE* don't tell anymore jokes.
Ted: I'm not really a sad sack?
Carla: Ted your pen exploded.

Ted: [looks at shirt] Awww!
[realizes ink got on his hand and now is wiped on his head]
Ted: AWWWW MAN!

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Cox, did you get my memo stating that residents should wear their lab coats at all times?
Dr. Cox: Yes I did. At first I just threw it away, but then I thought, that's not grand enough a gesture; so I made a model of you out of straw, put my lab coat on it - with your memo in the pocket - and invited the neighborhood kids to set fire to it

and beat it with sticks.

Dr. Cox: Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not

become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of

those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something.
[shot of J.D and Elliot facing each other... Elliot walks away with neither of them saying a word]

[Dr. Cox has been berating people after learning that his girlfriend slept with most of doctors to sell medicine]
Dr. Cox: I'm not angry. So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.
Carla: Please! What about all the women you've slept with? Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from

radiology, your ex-wife...
Dr. Cox: Would you please get off my ex-wife?
Carla: I will if you will.
[Cox breaks down laughing]
Dr. Cox: Well... dammit! Gosh, now I'm too proud of you to be mad at you.

J.D.: Shut up, shut up, shut up and shut up, okay? Who are you people to give me advice about anything? All you do is bitch about your relationships all day long.
[to Dr. Cox]
J.D.: And you know what glare all you want Big Dog, okay, because I'm not afraid of you. 'Oh no, Jordan's only paying attention to the baby. That must be so hard for Dr.

Look-At-Me, isn't it? LOOK-AT-MEEEE.
[to Carla and Turk]
J.D.: And you two, you're arguing ever since you got engaged, wow you're probably the first couple that's ever done that EVER. It can't be that you're just scared is it?
[to Elliot]
J.D.: And you, you know what, let's just forget for one second that a month ago you told me you

couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort you guys is while I'm sitting at home staring at the ceiling just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are.
[JD storms out of the cafeteria,

passing Nurse Roberts]
Nurse Roberts: Did I miss something good?

Dr. Cox: [explaining he doesn't care it's JD's last week of residency] I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week. Let's see... low carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah & all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-Def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hotspots, the OC, the UN, recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans,

the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle that sleeps too darn much, the Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everythingj every-everything that exists past present & future, in discovered and undiscovered

dimensions!
[turns away, then turns back]
Dr. Cox: Oh, and Hugh Jackman.
J.D.: Hugh Jackman is Wolverine! How dare he!