I don't do karaoke. I don't dance, even at weddings. I'm the grumpy one sitting down drinking wine.
Look, just tell me where that lemon came from and I'll shut up and go away.
Stupidity without malice isn't horrible; some people can't help it.
You can be watching the greatest film in the world, and if you hear your neighbor getting into a fight, you're at the window.
When I see a headline 'Guess who's going out with who?' I don't guess, and I don't click.
Karl Pilkington has the roundest head, I think, in the world. It's not technically a deformity, but I've never seen anything quite that spherical.
I'm a fang-toothed, blob-nosed, slouchy slob.
If I just cut out the food, I'd have a six-pack. I'd look like Matthew McConaughey.
My career, I look at it in a Darwinian framework. I'm going to do exactly what I want, and I'm going to survive, or I'm not. I'm not going to pander. I'm not going to change things. I'm not going to do focus groups. I'll live and die by the sword. I don't care. Because I couldn't live with myself.
Everything I do is somehow rooted in humanity. It's always about people; it's always about ego. It's always about desperation. It's quite existential. You know, 'Am I leading a good life?' That might be because I'm an atheist, and I think this is all we've got, so you better be nice. And have fun.
I could always take a joke. I could always be the butt of the joke. I could always hand it out. That was just who I was.
I'd never tried as hard with anything as I did with 'The Office,' and it was one of the things I'm proud of. I wasn't trying to be famous or a comedian, but this opportunity came along when I was 38 or 39. It came late, and I couldn't have been prouder of it.
I haven't had my teeth fixed, I haven't had a hair transplant. I haven't had a skin peel, tummy tuck. I've done literally nothing.
I like the ironic pomposity of a stand-up comedian. Like all those comedians thinking they can bring down Coca-Cola. They forget to be funny.
I don't believe in ghosts or ESP or elves... or God. But I am spiritual in the sense that I get a lump in my throat when I listen to Vaughan Williams.
That's the buzz for me, the creative process. An idea is never as good as when it's in your head. And then it's just how little you ruin it.
I think our elderly are forgotten sometimes.
When I was about to be famous, I feared it on a few levels. I feared it because I didn't want people to lump me in with those people who'd do anything to be famous. I didn't like the word 'celebrity.' I feared intrusion, you know? Make me famous, and suddenly you can go through my trash bins.
People now live their lives like an open wound to be famous - they do bad things because they're rewarded for it.
I find comedy easy, and I find drama exciting and tantalising.
