Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled.

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

When I sat down to write I just felt like a geek writing about myself. And then it dawned on me, just because of the way I am, I can't stop talking, and part of the problem is that anything that gets said reminds me of something that happened to me one time, and invariably I cut people off and talk about myself.

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

How do you come back? It's one step at a time. I'm optimistic because I don't know what else to be.

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.