I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.
I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.
Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, but in a properly big and important way. My perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.
You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.
You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.
The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.
I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.
I like to write a joke without any fat on it. The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.
After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.
I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.
They say the people most affected by the credit crunch are pensioners - well, let go of the handbag then, Nanna.
I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.
More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.
I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.
Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.
A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.
I don't see myself as offending people.
I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.
The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.
It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.
