Kay: This caused the 1977 New York blackout. A practical joke by the great attractor. He thought it was funny as hell.
Zed: We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here.
Kay: Do you remember the little red button?
Jay: [warily] Yeah...
Kay: Push the little red button.
[Jay pushes it]
Kay: And you may want to put on a seatbelt...
[the car flips upside down, sprouts rocket engines and begins riding along the top of the tunnel. Kay is safe because he has a seatbelt
on, but Jay is flipped over]
Jay: Kay! Kayyyyy!
Kay: [looking skywards] They're beautiful, aren't they?
Jay: What?
Kay: The stars.
Jay: K, you're frightening your partner...
Kay: I haven't been looking for a partner. I've been looking for a replacement.
Jay: K, I can NOT do this by myself, all right?
Dr. Weaver: Hey, guys, can you drop me off home? My apartment isn't in this area...
Kay: I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach. That's one of a hundred memories I don't want.
Dr. Weaver: What's with the cat?
Cop in Morgue: Oh, the cat. Yeah, well, there's a problem with the cat. Sign here.
Dr. Weaver: [signing] What's the problem with the cat?
Cop in Morgue: It's your problem.
[leaves chortling at his own joke]
Dr. Weaver: I hate the living.
Kay: Arquillian battle rules, kid: first we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard week to respond.
Jay: A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?
Kay: One hour.
Jay: One hour... then what?
[the message translation flashes across the screen: "MIB, DELIVER THE
GALAXY OR EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED."]
Jay: Oh, now that's bullshit.
[the message adds, "SORRY." The countdown begins]
Kay: Look, kid, to keep the bugs from getting it, the Arquillians WILL destroy that galaxy.
Zed: And whatever planet it's on.
Jay: You're talking about us?
Zed: [chuckles] Sucks, huh?
Jay: Unlimited technology from the whole universe, and we cruise 'round in a Ford P.O.S.
[Jay has just helped deliver an alien baby]
Kay: Congratulations, Reg. It's a... squid.
[after Kay informs Zed that they have a bug]
Jay: And what, we don't like bugs?
Kay: Bugs thrive on carnage, Tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, live off the death and destruction of other species.
Jay: You were stung as a child, weren't you?
Kay: Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a
massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand-new Edgar suit. That sound like fun?
Kay: So what do you think?
Jay: Whew! Very interesting. She got a whole "queen of the undead" thing going on...
Kay: What about the body?
Jay: Great body...
Kay: The DEAD body.
[the Edgar-Bug has just captured the deputy medical examiner Laurel Weaver and is holding her at ray-gunpoint]
Kay: Let her go, shit eater.
Bug: Oh, listen, monkey boy. Compared to you humans, I'm on the top of the evolutionary ladder, so can it, all right?
Kay: You're breaking my heart. Show me your face and I'll cure all
your ills.
Bug: You ever pull the wings off a fly? You care to see the fly get even?