Mallrats Quotes

Brodie: Jesus Christ! What the hell gives with the cover boy?
Rene: None of your business, but he'll kick your ass if he knows what you just pulled.
Brodie: Are you insane? The guy looks like a date rapist! Is that my jacket?
Rene: Start the elevator.
Brodie: Not until you tell me what

the situation is with you and the Sperminator out there! How long has this been going on?
Rene: Since I mustered the good sense to send you packing. He's a much more suitable companion than you any day.
Brodie: Are you nuts? The guy's pure testosterone! He's a walking hard-on just looking for a hole!

Brandi: Suitor number one. If we fell in love, how would you propose to me?
Brodie: [aside] When Jaws popped out of the water...
TS Quint: [T.S. elbows Brodie to shut up] I propose to you right now. I propose that you stop letting your father run your life, make up your own mind and not give up on someone you know has value.

Brandi: What?
TS Quint: Hypothetically speaking.
Brandi: Suitor number one, you sound familiar.

Brodie: You have my Punisher War Journal #6, my copy of "Fletch" and the remote control to my TV. Now, I know it's going to be hard to give this stuff up because of it's sentimental attachment...
Rene: Sentimental attachment? Look, if I have any of that crap it's because you brought it over my house and left it there.
Brodie: Okay,

then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights.
Rene: For what?
Brodie: For the mall. I figure you can take the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends. When there's any special feature like a sidewalk sale...
Rene: [interrupting] Brodie, Brodie...
Brodie: ...or a boat

show...
Rene: [interrupting] Brodie! I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you told me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse", I said okay. On prom night at the hotel when you told me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even during my grandmother's funeral when you told my relatives that you could see

her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide.
Rene: [Grabs Brodie by the ear] But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment!

Brandi: [calm and nefarious tone] Second Suitor? If you were a comic book character, what character would you be?
Brodie: [caught off guard, but delighted] Wow! That's a great question. Tough one, though I mean, what does one gauge his response on? Physical prowess? Keen detection skills? The ability to banter well with super villians?

Brandi: [interupting] How's your comic book collection, Brodie?
Brodie: Oh it's goin' good. But, I mean...
Brodie: [T.S. punches Brodie's arm and shows an angry look, realizing they have been made] Oh, comics? what are you talkin' about lady? I don't collect comics! Comics are for kids!

Brodie: Brandi is the past my friend. You face forward, or you face the possibility of shock and damage.
[Brodie gets knocked down by a metal beam]
T.S. Quint: You should learn to heed your own advice.
Brodie: Where the hell did that come from? What's going on here?
T.S. Quint: Looks like a stage is

being erected.
Brodie: What is this monstrosity?
T.S. Quint: Maybe it's for the Easter Bunny pictures.
Brodie: Impossible, the Easter Bunny Court is down at the other end of the mall, it's been there since two days after Christmas. I want answers!

Brandi: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?
Gil Hicks: Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach

where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.
Brodie: That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! I mean, look at you. You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.