115 Mallrats Quotes (2024) #2

Mallrats

Shannon Hamilton: That's it. You're dead, mallrat! I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair!
Brodie: Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.
Gil Hicks: What... like

the back of a Volkswagen?

Mallrats

Gwen: How is it that you recall the most trivial events?
Brodie: I'll never forget it. How many times do you get to see Smokey fuck the Bandit?
Gwen: Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds?
Brodie, T.S. Quint: Except for the moustache.

Mallrats

Brodie: My Grandmother always used to say "why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free".
T.S. Quint: She didn't!
Brodie: All the time, before she became a lesbian on her 60th Birthday, but that's besides the point.

Mallrats

T.S. Quint: Haven't you ever heard the phrase "The customer is always right?"
Shannon Hamilton: Let me tell you something. Let me give you a little secret, okay.
[yells it right in T.S.' ear]
Shannon Hamilton: The customer is always an asshole!

Mallrats

Brodie: Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? They're a little melty but damn are they exquisite.

Mallrats

Brodie: That kid is *back*... on the escalator again!

Mallrats

Brandi: If we were making whoopee, what kind of noises would you make?
Brodie: [Making a 'doggy style' motion with his hand] Rrrruff... rr... rruff...
Brodie: [Looks over at TS] You know, that's kind of a personal question, I don't think I should answer that.

Mallrats

Rene: That was too little too late.
Brodie: Too little? You said it was a good size!
Rene: The effort, you retard. The effort was too little too late.
[pause]
Rene: But, now that you mention it, when a girl says its a good size, that's a nice way of saying that it's small.

Brodie: Hey!

Mallrats

[beating up the Easter Bunny]
Jay: This is for Brodie!

Mallrats

Bob Summers: Our first suitor goes to Marymount College where he majors in economics. Say hi to Doug Paging!
Jay: DO IT DOUG!

Mallrats

Brodie: Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn for Sega.

Mallrats

Brodie: You fuckers think just because a guy reads comics he can't start some shit?

Mallrats

Jay: [to Willam, who's struggling to see a Sailboat in the Magic-Eye picture] What you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt! And I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-tittied mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit! Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!

Mallrats

Jay: Silent Bob here's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. The mother fucker's like MacGyver. No, the mother fucker's *better than* MacGyver.

Mallrats

Brodie: Hey, look at that ring. What is that?
Jared Svenning: That is, um, my Junior College class ring. Cum Laude, '69.
Brodie: I also hope to cum loud one day, preferably in a 69.

Mallrats

Brodie: You know about this game show they got goin' on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.
Jay: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.
Brodie: Really? Why?
Jay: What else are we gonna do?

Mallrats

T.S. Quint: How much did you smoke?
Jay: All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.
T.S. Quint: How much do I owe you?
Jay: My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies.
T.S. Quint:

Let's hope there is a next time.

Mallrats

[Jay explains the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob]
Jay: Okay Lunchbox, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up

there. And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogens.

Mallrats

Jay: You're fucking kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?
Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
Jay: He's fucking dead!
Brodie: Oh let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.
[T.S. and Gwen approach them]

T.S. Quint: What the hell happened?
Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
Brodie: I had it coming.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] Fuck all that shit! Come on, Silent Bob.
[Jay and Silent Bob leave]
T.S. Quint: What really happened?
Brodie: The

proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a raincheck into my stomach.
Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?
T.S. Quint: You know that guy?
Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.
T.S. Quint: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
Brodie:

Sounds like his M.O.