I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.
Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff.
When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.
I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.
Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.
Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.
Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.
I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.
I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.
If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye.
Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.
I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.
My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.
Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance.
I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.
Pushing the envelope' sort of implies that you're inside the envelope with everyone else, and you're trying to find the edges on the outsides.
I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward.
Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.
There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.
I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.
