Liar Liar Quotes

Bum: Got any spare change?
Fletcher: Absolutely!
Bum: Could ya spare some?
Fletcher: Yes I could!
Bum: Will ya?
Fletcher: HMM-MMM!
Bum: How come?
Fletcher: Because I believe you will buy booze with it! I just want to get from my car to the office without being confronted by the

decay of western society!... Plus I'm cheap! AHHH!
Bum: [yells at Fletcher] Jerkoff!

Greta: Mr. Reede, several years ago a friend of mine had a burglar on her roof, a burglar. He fell through the kitchen skylight, landed on a cutting board, on a butcher's knife, cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend, he sued my friend. And because of guys like you *he won*. My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice?
Fletcher: No!

[Greta looks pleased, but then Fletcher continues]
Fletcher: I'd have got him ten.
[Greta stalks off, appalled]

Fletcher: [Fletcher is trying to convince Greta to believe her about Max's wish] You don't believe me, do you?
Greta: Of course not.
Fletcher: [laughs dryly] How ironic. Okay, ask me something you think I would normally lie about.
Greta: Alright. Remember, a few months ago, when I wanted a raise...

Fletcher: Forget it. I don't wanna do this!
Greta: -and the company wouldn't give me one...
Fletcher: Greta, *please*!
Greta: -so you said you wanted to give me one out of your own pocket, but it would create jealously among the other secretaries. Now, was that true, or did you just not want to pony up the

dough?
[Fletcher is speechless. Scene cuts to Greta packing her belongings]

Fletcher: You had sex with her every time you met, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? LIAR!
Dana: He's badgering the witness!
Judge: It's his witness.
Fletcher: You slammed her! You dunked her donut! You gave her dog a Snausage! YOU STUFFED HER LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!
[Makes gobbling noises while pushing

himself against the table]
Kenneth Falk: Alright! Alright, it's true, okay? I humped her brains out! There, now ya happy?
[awkward silence]
Fletcher: No further questions.

Max Reede: Do the Claw to Mom, Dad, do the Claw to Mom!
Fletcher: Uh-oh. You've found the Claw's only weakness. Subzero temperatures!
[Splatting sound]
Audrey: So did you have any trouble finding the place?
Fletcher: All right, I'm late. I ran outta gas! The gauge is broken. Rough neighborhood too. Good

thing I was wearing neutral gang colors. Might've had to rip out my nine and bust a cap! My mind on my money and my money on my mind!
Audrey: They'd never hurt you, Fletcher. You're their lawyer.
Fletcher: Ooh. That was below the belt. Try to keep the gloves up.
Max Reede: Mom, Dad's taking me to see wrestling!

Audrey: Ugh. Fletcher!
Fletcher: Ugh. Audrey!

Fletcher: [on phone] Hi! Judge Stevens, I'm scheduled to be in your courtroom in half an hour? Judge Stevens, I badly, BADLY need a continuance!... Ill? Am I ill? That is the perfect question for you to ask!
[to Greta]
Fletcher: Greta, *please* LIE to him for me!
Greta: I remember when you bought me this antique silver frame

from Tiffany's. TIFFANY'S?
Fletcher: [in a high-pitched voice] Garage sale, six-fifty marked down from ten...
[Greta drops picture frame and it smashes]

Fat Coworker: What's Up, Fletcher?
Fletcher: Your cholesterol, Fatty! Dead man walkin'!
Randy: Hey, Fletcher!
Fletcher: Hey! You're not important enough to remember!
Zit Boy: What'll it be, Fletcher?
Fletcher: A pock mark, eventually!
Greta: Mr. Reede?

Fletcher: Don't ask! For God's sake, don't ask!