Lethal Weapon Quotes

Martin Riggs: Hey, look friend, let's just cut the shit. Now we both know why I was transferred. Everybody thinks I'm suicidal, in which case, I'm fucked and nobody wants to work with me; or they think I'm faking to draw a psycho pension, in which case, I'm fucked and nobody wants to work with me. Basically, I'm fucked.
Roger Murtaugh: Guess what?

Martin Riggs: What?
Roger Murtaugh: I don't want to work with you!
Martin Riggs: Hey, don't.
Roger Murtaugh: Ain't got no choice! Looks like we both been fucked!
Martin Riggs: Terrific.
Roger Murtaugh: God hates me. That's what it is.
Martin

Riggs: Hate him back; it works for me.

[Riggs picks up a young prostitute and offers her $100]
Underage Hooker: A hundred bucks? What do you have in mind?
Martin Riggs: Well, I want you to come home and watch television with me.
Underage Hooker: [surprised] That's all?
Martin Riggs: Yeah. "The Three Stooges" are on in 20 minutes.
[he

mimics some of their antics, she laughs]

Roger Murtaugh: Okay, clown, no bullshit! You wanna kill yourself?
Martin Riggs: Oh, for Chriss-...
Roger Murtaugh: Shut up! Yes or no - you wanna die?
Martin Riggs: Oh, I got the job done! What the hell do you want?
Roger Murtaugh: JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!
Martin

Riggs: Well, what do you wanna hear, man? Do you wanna hear that sometimes I think about eatin' a bullet? Huh? Well, I do! I even got a special bullet for the occasion with a hollow point, look! Make sure it blows the back of my goddamned head out and do the job right! Every single day I wake up and I think of a reason not to do it! Every single day! You know why I don't do it? This is

gonna make you laugh! You know why I don't do it? The job! Doin' the job! Now that's the reason!

Sergeant McCaskey: You know, Roger, you are way behind the times. The guys of the 80s aren't tough. They are sensitive people. Show a little emotion to a woman and shit like that. I think I'm an '80s man...
Roger Murtaugh: How do you figure?
Sergeant McCaskey: Last night I cried in bed. So how is that?
Roger

Murtaugh: Were you with a woman?
Sergeant McCaskey: I was alone. Why do you think I cried?
Roger Murtaugh: Sounds like an '80s man to me...

Roger Murtaugh: [discussing a theory] That's pretty fucking thin.
Martin Riggs: That's very thin.
Roger Murtaugh: What the hell, thin's my middle name.
Martin Riggs: Your wife's cooking, I'm not surprised.
[fires his gun several more times]
Roger Murtaugh: What? What?

Martin Riggs: Nothin'.
Roger Murtaugh: Remarks like that will not get you invited to Christmas dinner.
Martin Riggs: My luck's changing for the better every day.

Mr. Joshua: [Riggs is tied up and struggling] Why don't you save your strength? You're gonna need it.
Martin Riggs: Who's the chin?
Mr. Joshua: Endo, meet Mr. Martin Riggs. Endo here has forgotten more about dispensing pain than you and I will ever know.
Martin Riggs: Terrific.
Mr.

Joshua: See, Martin, we have a problem. Since we have Murtaugh, we don't really need you. But I believe in being thorough.
Martin Riggs: Yeah, I've heard that about you.
Mr. Joshua: Yeah. Well, our problem, and yours too, is we have a shipment of merchandise to deliver.
Martin Riggs: Why don't you guys just call it

heroin?
Mr. Joshua: It's rather large, this shipment. It would be unfortunate, however, if we showed up to deliver our HEROIN, and were surrounded by fifty cops.
Martin Riggs: That would be too bad.
Mr. Joshua: Yes it would be. So, it's essential for us to find out all the cops know.
Martin Riggs: Hey,

we don't know shit. You- you did Hunsaker before he could say...
Mr. Joshua: No, no! I wish I could believe you. But unfortunately, I don't... Now if you would kindly tell me everything you know, I promise I'll kill you quick.
[snaps fingers]
Martin Riggs: I've told you everything I know.
Mr. Joshua: Endo...

[gestures to Endo to 'start the pain']
Martin Riggs: Wha- what the hell is that?
Mr. Joshua: I'll tell you what it is. It's called electric shock treatment.
Martin Riggs: Well, I guess we're in for a long night, 'cause I don't know shit.
Mr. Joshua: We'll see. Endo...

Martin Riggs: I do it real good, you know.
Roger Murtaugh: Do what?
Martin Riggs: When I was 19, I did a guy in Laos from a thousand yards out. It was a rifle shot in high wind. Maybe eight or even ten guys in the world could have made that shot. It's the only thing I was ever good at. Well, see ya tomorrow.
Roger

Murtaugh: Yeah, see you.
[pauses]
Roger Murtaugh: Hey Riggs! You really like my wife's cooking?
Martin Riggs: [fixing him] No. See you tomorrow.

Roger Murtaugh: Hey, Riggs.
Martin Riggs: Yo!
Roger Murtaugh: Riggs, if you think I'm gonna eat the world's lousiest Christmas turkey by myself, you're crazy.
Martin Riggs: Well, I got news for you, Rog: I'm not crazy.
Roger Murtaugh: I know.
Martin Riggs: Well,

good. Let's eat.

Drug Dealer #3: [Riggs is in a Christmas tree lot, and pretends to sample some coke for a buy] Good, huh? Tasty? Smooth?
Martin Riggs: Yeah, that's good...
Drug Dealer #1: [walking up with a beer] Here ya go, pal...
Martin Riggs: Thanks. Okay, so let's do it. How much?
Drug Dealer #3:

How much for how much?
Martin Riggs: For all of it.
Drug Dealer #3: You want it all. He wants it all.
Drug Dealer #1: He wants it all, beautiful. Congratulations!
Drug Dealer #3: All right!
Martin Riggs: Maybe a nice six footer to put it under, huh?
Drug Dealer

#2: You want a tree? I'll tell you what. I'll give you the best tree I got on the lot, for nothin'. But the shit's gonna cost ya... a hundred.
Martin Riggs: What, that much?
Drug Dealer #3: Hey, you said you liked it, that's a fair price.
Martin Riggs: Yeah... yeah! Hell, you only live once... get this together

here...
[takes out his wallet, starts counting out a hundred dollars]
Martin Riggs: Twenty, forty, sixty, seventy...
Drug Dealer #1: Hey, what the fuck...
Drug Dealer #2: Hey, man... Hey!
Martin Riggs: C'mon, shut up man, I'm losin' count... Ninety-three, ninety-four, ninety...

Drug Dealer #2: Forget it, you dumbshit. One hundred THOUSAND. One hundred THOUSAND, DOLLARS!
Martin Riggs: A hundred thousand?
[laughs]
Martin Riggs: I'm sorry, I can't afford that, not on my salary. But I'll tell ya what, I got a better idea, here. Let me say I take the whole stash of your hands for free, and you assholes

can go to jail.
[takes out his badge and puts it on the table in front of them]
Martin Riggs: What do you say about that? Now I could read you guys your rights, but ah, you guys already know what your rights are, don't you?
Drug Dealer #2: [drug dealers stare, then start to laugh] This badge ain't real. YOU ain't real.
Drug

Dealer #1: No, but you sure are a crazy son of a bitch!
Martin Riggs: [They all laugh] You think I'm crazy? You call me crazy, you think I'm crazy? You wanna see crazy?
[Riggs starts slapping him self on the head, Stooges style, then pokes their eyes and slaps them, and pulls out his gun]
Martin Riggs: . Now that's a real badge, I'm a

real cop, and this is a real fucking gun!
Drug Dealer #2: [menacing] Okay, pal...
Martin Riggs: Hey, noses in the dirt, asshole...
[And the guns start blazin']

Martin Riggs: You know they're going to kill her, don't you?
Roger Murtaugh: Yeah.
Martin Riggs: So if you want her back, you're going to have to take her away from them.
Roger Murtaugh: I know.
Martin Riggs: You do this my way. You shoot, you shoot to kill, get as many of them as you

can. All you got to do is just not miss.
Roger Murtaugh: I won't miss.
Martin Riggs: We're going to get bloody on this one, Rog.
Roger Murtaugh: Are you really crazy? Or are you as good as you say you are?
Martin Riggs: You're just gonna have to trust me.

Martin Riggs: You know you're not the first guy to thinnk of this you know. A lot people have got problems especially during the silly season like now.
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: You know shit.
Martin Riggs: No, you're wrong, pal, you're wrong.
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: You don't know

nothing. Don't touch me!
Martin Riggs: Take it easy.
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: Look, I didn't don any thing wrong.
Martin Riggs: I know that. It's not like your murdering anyone or anything.
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: That's right.
Martin Riggs: That's right.

McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: The only one I hurt was me. Me!
Martin Riggs: Same way I feel. I know you're hurting. I get it. OK now, come on.
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: Don't come near me!
Martin Riggs: Come on. Give me a break, will ya guy. My boss is down there and he's watching us and

I gotta make it look like I'm at least trying to save you. Come on. Im just gonna stand here and talk to you. That's all.
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: You won't try nothing.
Martin Riggs: No. I'm square with you. I won't try a thing. I won't try a thing.
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: Really.
Martin

Riggs: What, do you think I want to fall off? I promise, I'll just talk to you.
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: [easing] OK. Alright.
Martin Riggs: [showing him a cigarette] Here, do you want a cigarette. Come on, lets smoke, OK.
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: Yeah.
Martin Riggs: Go

on, take it yeah. If we take our time we will both die of cancer.
[lights his own cigarette]
Martin Riggs: Here.
[shows him the lighter but tricks him and cuffs the two of them together]
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: Hey, what are you doing.
Martin Riggs: See this key? Bye-bye.
McCleary,

Attempted Suicide Jumper: You're crazy!
Martin Riggs: Now you can jump if you want to, but you'll be taking me with you and that makes you a muderer.

Roger Murtaugh: 50 years old, what a birthday, goddamn 50 years old, been on the force 20 years, not a scratch on me, not a scar, got a wife, kids, a house, a fishing boat, but I can kiss all that goodbye because my new partner has a death wish, my fucking life is over
Martin Riggs: [looks at Roger] I was...
Roger Murtaugh: Just shut

up you hear, why are you talking to me anyway, I'm a dead man, yeah fuck it, you're looking a dead man here
[oncoming traffic honks at them and swerve to get out of the way]
Martin Riggs: [points at oncoming traffic] watch, watch, WATCH...
Roger Murtaugh: Don't worry, I was driving before you were itching in your daddy's pants