52 Kindergarten Cop Quotes (2026)

Kindergarten Cop

Detective John Kimble: I have a headache.
Lowell: It might be a tumor.
Detective John Kimble: It's not a tumor! It's not a tumor. At all!

Kindergarten Cop

Detective John Kimble: SHUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Kindergarten Cop

Joseph: [to Phoebe] Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina.
Phoebe: [to Kimble] Well, I see you've covered the basics.

Kindergarten Cop

Low Life #1: So who are you, man?
[Kimble racks his shot-gun]
Low Life #1: Shit!
[he scrambles out of the way just before Kimble blasts the couch apart]
Detective John Kimble: I'm the party pooper.

Kindergarten Cop

[John Kimble sees boy eating out of lunch boxes]
Detective John Kimble: Are these all your lunches?
[boy shakes his head]
Detective John Kimble: You mean you eat other people's lunches?
[boy nods]
Detective John Kimble: STOP IT!

Kindergarten Cop

Detective John Kimble: No more complaining. No more "Mr. Kimble, I have to go the bathroom". Nothing!
[shouts]
Detective John Kimble: There *is* no bathroom!

Kindergarten Cop

Detective John Kimble: We're going to play a wonderful game called, "Who is my daddy and what does he do?"

Kindergarten Cop

Rina, Tina: [in unison] Our mom says our dad is a real sex machine.

Kindergarten Cop

Detective John Kimble: I'm a cop, you idiot! I'm Detective John Kimble!

Kindergarten Cop

Joshua: Are you married, Mr. Kimble?
Detective John Kimble: No, I'm not.
[Joshua sticks his head into the hallway]
Joshua: [shouts] He's not married, Mom!

Kindergarten Cop

Detective John Kimble: How do I look?
Phoebe O'Hara: Take off the gun.
[Kimble realizes he has strapped on his shoulder holster]
Detective John Kimble: That's a good idea.
Phoebe O'Hara: Little bastards are gonna eat you alive.
Detective John Kimble: Get some rest and don't

worry. I've been working undercover for a long time. They're six-year-olds. How much trouble can they be?
Phoebe O'Hara: On second thought, take the gun.

Kindergarten Cop

[after the kids start complaining about "police school"]
Detective John Kimble: Oh, come on...
[shouts]
Detective John Kimble: Stop whining! You kids are soft. You lack discipline.
[shouts]
Detective John Kimble: Well, I've got news for you. You are mine now. You belong to me.

Kindergarten Cop

[to some kids who keep bumping his airplane seat]
Detective John Kimble: Hey, come here.
[he beckons a kid with one finger, while holding a pencil in the other]
Detective John Kimble: If you don't stop screwing around back there, this is what I'm gonna do with you.
[he snaps the pencil in two with his thumb. The kid sits back,

wide-eyed]

Kindergarten Cop

Detective John Kimble: Emma, take your toy back to the carpet and sit down.
Emma: I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess!
Detective John Kimble: Take your toy back to the carpet!
Emma: [softly] I'm not policeman, I'm a princess.
Detective John Kimble: TAKE IT BACK!

Emma: [miserable] All right.

Kindergarten Cop

Miss Schlowski: What did it feel like to hit that son of a bitch?
Detective John Kimble: It felt great.

Kindergarten Cop

[O'Hara rushes to the airplane's restroom]
Stewardess: Is your wife okay, sir?
Detective John Kimble: Compared to what?

Kindergarten Cop

Emma: [during Who is Your Daddy game] My daddy works on a computer all day, and is the head of his company and he, um, he has a moustache and a beard, and he-he doesn't have a lot of hair, and cuz-um, since his head is so big, he can't wear any hats.