Bill: Isn't it supposed to be bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding?
Tommy Plympton: Well, let's just say I like to live dangerously.
Bill: I know just what you mean.
The Bride: [in Cantonese] Master...
Pai Mei: [in Cantonese; subtitled] Your Mandarin is lousy. It causes my ears great discomfort. You bray like an ass! You are not to speak unless spoken to! It is too much to hope but... do you speak Cantonese?
The Bride: [in English] I speak Japanese very well... as well as...
Pai
Mei: [interrupting] I didn't ask if you speak Japanese! I asked if you understood Cantonese.
Elle Driver: Bill tells me you had a Hanzo sword once.
Budd: Yeah.
Elle Driver: [examining the Bride's sword] How does this one compare to that one?
Budd: If you're gonna compare a Hanzo sword, you compare it to every other sword ever made... that wasn't made by Hattori Hanzo.
Reverend Harmony: Rufus... he's the man.
Reverend Harmony: [to Rufus] Who was that you used to play for?
Rufus: Rufus Thomas.
Reverend Harmony: Rufus Thomas...
Reverend Harmony: [to Bride] Rufus Thomas.
Rufus: I was a Drell. I was a Drifter. I was a Coaster. I
was part of The Gang. I was a Bar-Kay... If they come through Texas, I done played with them.
Reverend Harmony: Rufus... He's the man.
Jay: You're late again. Budd, can't you tell time?
Budd: There ain't nobody in here, man.
Larry Gomez: [voice; offscreen] Hey, Jay! Is Budd out there?
Jay: [yells] Yeah.
Larry Gomez: Tell him to get his fucking ass in here!
Jay: Okay!
[to Budd]
Jay: Budd, Larry'd like a word with you.
Bill: I was just admiring your sword. Quite a piece of work. Speaking of which, how is Hanzo-san?
The Bride: He's good.
Bill: Has his sushi gotten any better?
The Bride: [shakes her head]
Bill: You know, I couldn't believe it. You got him to make you a sword.
The
Bride: It was easy. I just dropped your name, Bill.
Bill: [chuckles] That'd do it.
Pai Mei: [in Cantonese] The exquisite art of the samurai sword? Don't make me laugh! You're so-called exquisite art is only fit for Japanese fatheads!
Esteban Vihaio: [indicating the Bride's convertible] I heard you were driving a truck.
The Bride: My Pussy Wagon died on me.
Esteban Vihaio: The Pussy died? Hmm...
Bill: [the Bride lunges for Bill's sword, Bill draws a gun and shoots, barely missing her] Now if you don't settle down, I'm gonna have to put one in your kneecap. And I hear tell that's a very painful place to get shot in.
[he suddenly fires again, hitting a fruit bowl and splattering the Bride, making her jump]
Bill: Ha ha ha! I'm just fucking with
you.
Larry Gomez: The hat. That fucking hat. How many times did I tell you not to wear that fucking hat?
Budd: Customers wear hats.
Larry Gomez: I'm not the boss of the customers, but I'm the boss of you, and I'm telling you to keep that shit kicker hat at home.
Bill: Baby, don't you think Mommy has the prettiest hair in the whole wide world?
B.B.: [smiling] Yes, I do.
Bill: Matter of fact, it's better than pretty. What's better than pretty?
B.B.: Hmm. Gorgeous!
Bill: Very good. Gorgeous. Mommy is gorgeous.
[flattery doesn't bring him
any luck]
Bill: Mm. You know, sweetie, Mommy is kind of mad at Daddy.
The Bride: Karen... I just found out, right now, not a moment before you blew a hole through the door, that I'm pregnant.
Karen Kim: What is this?
The Bride: On the floor, by the door, is a strip that says I'm pregnant.
Karen Kim: Bullshit.
The Bride: Any other time you'd be a hundred
percent right. This time, you're a hundred per cent wrong. I'm the deadliest woman in the world. But right now... I'm just scared shitless for my baby. Please, just look at the strip. *Please*.
[pause]
Karen Kim: Stay where you are and don't move.
Pai Mei: [in Cantonese] Your swordsmanship is amateur at best.
[last lines]
a crew member: Ok, mark it. And action.
[man screams in pain]
a crew member: Cut.
The Bride: Oh, come on, let's do it again.
[a crew member laughs]