Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
