People think anything done from a woman's perspective is only going to appeal to women.
We have to get women's stories out there so a guy will read it, laugh, and think, 'I'm not laughing at a chick story but a story.'
What they call 'alt-comedy' now is basically what comedy was like in the '80s. People tried different things, and everybody went to the clubs; there was no other place. Then somehow, the clubs became infiltrated by Dice Clay and Carrot Top types.
By the time I started doing stand-up, the club scene had died.
I'm not a big fan of young people.
Improv requires one thing I lack that I think most mothers need - the basic instinct to put someone else first.
A lot of relationships have ended for me in my 20s, because I knew that eventually those people would wanna settle down and have kids.
Parenthood can be very rewarding, but let's face it, so are margaritas at the adults-only pool.
Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.
Don't overpack your carry-on. You're never going to read that second book or that fourth magazine.
There are a lot of things I might be good at, such as competitive figure skating, window washing from ten stories up, and being an open heart surgeon. I might also make an excellent Kamikaze pilot - except for the fact that I don't want to learn how to fly and have no interest in taking my own life on behalf of Japan.
As a woman of a certain age - and really, ever since I hit puberty and my baby-making parts were suddenly subject to public debate - I've been told over and over again that I will 'change my mind' about not wanting kids.
Asking questions about why I don't want kids is really none of your business, but at least it's a dialogue.
Having a child is a lifetime commitment, the biggest one you can possibly make.
I think some parents think, 'Oh, having kids is so beautiful; I want others to feel the joy I do.'
The women doing comedy do not even think of themselves as 'female' comedians.
Don't make being a girl or a victim part of your stand-up act. If you encounter sexism in the business, don't bring it on stage; it's not funny.
I love being on the road, but to make a living as a road comic, you have to be on it most weeks out of the year. That's just too much for me. But I would love to be such a successful road comic that I don't have to go on it every week.
