Shooter McGavin: [after buying grandma's house in an auction] You're in big trouble though, pal. I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!
Happy Gilmore: [laughing] You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Shooter McGavin: [long pause] No!
Shooter McGavin: [in a bar] Just stay out of my way... or you'll pay! LISTEN to what I say!
Happy Gilmore: Hey, why don't I just go eat some hay, make things out of clay, lay by the bay? I just may! What'd ya say?
Happy Gilmore: [to his golf ball] You little son of a bitch ball! Why you don't you just go HOME? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your HOME? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE ASS, BALL!
Grandma: [referring to Terry, while sitting on her bed inside her room in the nursing home] How's that nice girlfriend of yours?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, she got hit by a car. She's dead.
[Shooter McGavin has just hit the ball on Mr. Larson's foot]
Mr. Larson: That's two thus far, Shooter.
Shooter McGavin: Oh, you can count. Good for you.
Mr. Larson: [points at him] And *you* can count, on *me*, waiting for *you* in the parking lot.
Virginia: [while walking on the golf course] What's this I hear about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods?
Happy Gilmore: What? I didn't *break* it, I was just testing its durability, and then I *placed* it in the woods because it's made of wood and I just thought he should be with his family.
Happy Gilmore: [to the clown hole at the mini-golf course after it spits out his ball] You're gonna die, clown!
[breaks its nose off with his golf club]
Happy Gilmore: [voice over narration] During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.
Virginia: [stopping Happy from fighting Shooter] Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey! You want to beat him? Beat him on the course.
Happy Gilmore: That's right, I'm gonna beat your ass on the course!
Shooter McGavin: Yeah, right. And Grizzly Adams had a beard.
Lee Trevino: Grizzly Adams *did* have a beard.
Doctor: Well, You're a little banged up but no serious injuries. Just keep off your feet for a few days.
Happy Gilmore: [after been hit by a Volkswagen driven by Donald] To hell with that. I gotta finish up.
Doctor: Fine. Do whatever you like. What would I know? I'm just a Doctor.
Grandma: Sir, can I trouble you for a glass of warm milk? It helps me go to sleep.
Nursing Home Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up! Now, you will go to sleep! Or I will PUT you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You're in MY world now, grandma!
Happy Gilmore: [intentionally antagonizing Shooter] Somebody's closer!
Happy Gilmore: [to Shooter] Happy learned how to putt! Uh-oh!
[Happy sinks an amazing putt]
Happy Gilmore: [intentionally antagonizing Shooter] Did that go in? I wasn't watching, did it go in? I didn't see it, could you tell me if it went in?
