Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

Virginia: [while on an ice rink] I thought we were going to be just friends.
Happy Gilmore: What? Friends listen to "Endless Love" in the dark.

Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

Chubbs: [standing outside the batting cage] Back in 1965, Sports Illustrated said I was going to be the next Arnold Palmer.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah? What happened?
Chubbs: They wouldn't let me play on the Pro Tour anymore.
Happy Gilmore: Ah, I'm sorry. Because you're black?
Chubbs: Hell no!

Damned alligator BIT my hand off!
[Shows Happy his wooden hand]
Happy Gilmore: OH MY GOD!
Chubbs: Yeah. tournament down in Florida. I hooked my ball in the rough down by the lake. Damned alligator just POPPED up, cut me down on my prime. He got me, but I tore one of that bastard's eyes out though. Look at that.
[Shows Happy a small

glass jar with an eyeball in it]
Happy Gilmore: You're pretty sick, Chubbs.

Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

Happy Gilmore: [apologizing to Chubbs, attempting to persuade him to be his coach for his match against Shooter] I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not attractive.

Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

Announcer: What a shot by Happy Gilmore!
[turns to his partner]
Announcer: Who the hell is Happy Gilmore?

Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

Happy Gilmore: [to Virginia while on the golf course after being tricked by Shooter] Hey, my girlfriend is dead, you know. She fell off a cliff and died on impact.

Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

Terry: [over the apartment intercom] All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good.
Happy Gilmore: I am good. You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher. I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they SUCK.

Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

Happy Gilmore: Where are you going with those clubs, punk?
[pushes young caddy to the ground]
Happy's Waterbury Caddy: Mr. Gilmore, I'm your caddy!
Happy Gilmore: Oh, I'm sorry about that. Let me carry these, alright, they were my grandfather's, they're pretty old.
Happy's Waterbury Caddy: Well, what

should I do then?
Happy Gilmore: I don't know. Why don't you just watch me, and make sure I don't do anything stupid. Okay?
Starter #1: Mr. Gilmore, Mr. Lafferty will be teeing off now.
Happy Gilmore: Alright, good luck, buddy.
Happy's Waterbury Caddy: Get out the way.
[crowd laughs]

Happy Gilmore: [to caddy] Where were you on that one, dipshit?

Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

Happy Gilmore: That's my puck, baby, don't you ever touch my puck.

Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

Donald: [intentionally antagonizing Happy] You're gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, cause you're never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL... you jackass!

Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

Chubbs: What are you doing?
Happy Gilmore: [while getting pelted with baseballs inside the batting cage] 364 days until next year's hockey tryouts, I have to toughen up.

Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

Shooter McGavin: [irritated, the audience is getting wild because they're cheering for Happy] Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.

Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

[in slow motion, Happy hits a ball a great distance. Soon after, the ball bounces on a green and rolls into the hole, making a hole in one. The crowd goes wild]
Happy Gilmore: [shouts] He shoots, he scores!
[Happy turns to Chubbs]
Happy Gilmore: Oh, man. That was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every

time.
Chubbs: Good plan.
[Chubbs chuckles as he pats Happy with his wooden hand. The two of them walk away]
Virginia: [to Shooter] Did you see that?
Shooter McGavin: Yes. Nice shot.
Virginia: He just got a Hole-in-One on a *par four*!
Shooter McGavin: I know. I just said I

saw it.
Virginia: [laughs] Oh, I hope he *wins*. He's a publicist's *dream*. I mean, a guy who could drive the ball *that* far - oh, he could *really* draw a crowd.
[Virginia walks away smiling]
Shooter McGavin: [under his breath] You know what *else* could draw a crowd? A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.
[Shooter follows

Virginia scowling]

Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

Crazy Old Lady: [jumps on the hood of his car] Mister! Mister! Get me outta here!
Happy Gilmore: [while driving, pours leftover subway food on her] Here, eat that and leave us alone!

Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

[Shooter McGavin is holding a speech for other golf players]
Shooter McGavin: Thank you, Doug. You know, I saw Doug playing yesterday. And I've got to tell you, this guy spends more time in the sand than David Hasselhoff!

Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

[Shooter has just stolen the jacket]
Mr. Larson: I believe that's Mr. Gilmore's.

Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

Happy Gilmore: [in a bar] I got into this tournament for one reason: money. And now I have a new reason: kicking your ass!
Shooter McGavin: Well, I'd like to see you try.
Happy Gilmore: [Picks up beer bottle and smashes it in half] Let's do it, then!
Shooter McGavin: I meant on a golf course!

Virginia: Hey! What's going on here, huh?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, uh, I was just looking for the other half of this bottle and there's some of it and there's some of it right there, too.
Virginia: Why don't you just put it down?
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, I know.

Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

Donald: [intentionally antagonizing Happy] You will not make this putt... you jackass!

Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

Chinese Lady: [to Happy as he rushes out of his apartment] Hey! You no want breakfast?

Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

Chubbs: [referring to the man standing in front of them wearing unusual clothing and a straw hat] Thanks for dressing up.
Happy Gilmore: If saw myself in clothes like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.

Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore

Happy Gilmore: This is a biggie, time's ticking. I gotta make some money. What do you think? Slightly downhill?
Otto: And slanting left.
Happy Gilmore: No, it only seems that way because you have only one shoe on.