The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
