Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.