Fred Allen
Fred Allen

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

Fred Allen
Fred Allen

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Fred Allen
Fred Allen

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

Fred Allen
Fred Allen

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

Fred Allen
Fred Allen

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Fred Allen
Fred Allen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Fred Allen
Fred Allen

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Fred Allen
Fred Allen

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

Fred Allen
Fred Allen

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

Fred Allen
Fred Allen

California is a great place to live if you're an orange.

Fred Allen
Fred Allen

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

Fred Allen
Fred Allen

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Fred Allen
Fred Allen

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Fred Allen
Fred Allen

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

Fred Allen
Fred Allen

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

Fred Allen
Fred Allen

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

Fred Allen
Fred Allen

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

Fred Allen
Fred Allen

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

Fred Allen
Fred Allen

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

Fred Allen
Fred Allen

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.