When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
As a comedian, I am obligated to tell you the truth, my truth. To share with you my beliefs, my perspective. And I think that we forget sometimes that that's the oath that comics take, that we will go up and share everything - the irreverent, the scary.
When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'
I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.
I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.
No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.
I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.
I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.
Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.
If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. They're very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.
I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.
I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.
Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!
I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.
I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.
I'm completely ecstatic when a woman has own back story and brings something to the table and has a real strong kind of independence.
My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'
If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.
