Dirk: What can you expect when you're on top? You know? It's like Napoleon. When he was the king, you know, people were just constantly trying to conquer him, you know, in the Roman Empire. So, it's history repeating itself all over again.
Floyd Gondolli: I like simple pleasures, like butter in my ass, lollipops in my mouth. That's just me. That's just something that I enjoy.
Kurt Longjohn: Little Bill.
Little Bill: Hey. Kurt. What's up?
Kurt Longjohn: What's wrong with you?
Little Bill: Ah... my fuckin' wife, man, she's over there... she's got some idiot's dick in her, people standing around watching - it's a fuckin' embarassment.
Kurt Longjohn: Yeah. Yeah.
I know. Anyway, listen:
Little Bill: - yeah.
Kurt Longjohn: For the shoot - I wanna talk about the look. I wanted to see about getting this new zoom lens...
Little Bill: Right.
Kurt Longjohn: I wondered if we'd be able to look into getting some more lights, too, y'know...
Little
Bill: Jack wants a minimal-thing...
Kurt Longjohn: Right, well, very often, minimal means a lot more photographically than I think, well... than I think most people understand...
Little Bill: I understand.
Kurt Longjohn: No, no. Hey. I know you understand, I was talking about some other people.
Little
Bill: Well, I think what Jack is talking about is minimal, not really "natural", but minimal...
Kurt Longjohn: Okay... fine... I was just saying...
Little Bill: I understand...
Kurt Longjohn: - 'cause I'm trying to give each picture it's own look...
Little Bill: Can we talk about this later?
Kurt Longjohn: Oh, yeah... you have to go somewhere... or...?
Little Bill: Well, no, yeah... I mean...
Kurt Longjohn: 'Cause I was hoping to, y'know, for the shoot tomorrow, we could send Rocky down and he could pick it up...
Little Bill: Kurt.
Kurt Longjohn: No. Hey. Gotcha.
You've gotta go somewhere so - hey - what the fuck? It's only the fucking photography of the movie we're talking about.
Little Bill: My fucking wife has an ass in her cock over in the driveway, alright? I'm sorry if my thoughts aren't with the photography of the film we're shooting tomorrow, Kurt, OK?
Kurt Longjohn: OK. No big deal. Sorry.
Todd Parker: We're not leaving yet. We're here now, and we want something else from you. Hey... hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! We want something else from you.
Rahad Jackson: ...What?
Dirk: Todd, what the hell are you doing man? Let's just go.
Todd Parker: In the master bedroom... under the bed... in a floor safe.
Understand?
Dirk: What the fuck is the matter with you Todd, let's go! Come on, man!
Reed Rothchild: Todd!
Todd Parker: Shhhut up Dirk. I t... I told you I got a plan. I got a very good plan.
Rahad Jackson: Are you-are you kidding me, kitty?
Todd Parker: Nah, I'm not, see? I'm
not kidding. I want what's in the safe! We want what is in the goddamn safe, in the goddamn master bedroom on the fuckin' floor in the goddamn fuckin' floor safe, that's all!
Dirk: Todd, don't be crazy, ok?
[to Rahad]
Dirk: Sir - we don't know anything about this, okay? This is not at all what we wanted.
Todd Parker:
Shut the fuck up Dirk.
[to Rahad's bodyguard]
Todd Parker: Do not reach for your gun, man, don't reach for your gun!
Todd Parker: [Todd pulls out gun and aims it at bodyguard, Rahad shoots Todd in the shoulder, before fleeing to his bedroom, laughing maniacally; Dirk and Reed take cover as the bodyguard pulls out two pistols and starts firing
at them, Todd then shoots the bodyguard]
Todd Parker: He went in the bedroom!
Dirk: Todd, what the fuck are you doin'?
Todd Parker: He went in the bedroom!
Dirk: Todd, what the fuck did you go crazy?
Todd Parker: He's got coke and he's got cash, in that safe, in that bedroom and
if we leave here without it, man we're fuckin' idiots, man! We came here to motherfuckin' do something and we can fucking do it, alright? Are you with me?
Reed Rothchild: Todd, listen to me! Let's just split, man! Let's just split right this was not the thing! This was not supposed to be the thing, Todd!
Todd Parker: That's what we goddamn came here
to motherfuckin' do, and that's what I'm gonna fuckin' do right fuckin' now!
Dirk: Fuck, no! Don't, don't! Don't be fucking stupid!
Rahad Jackson: [Todd kicks down the door and is shot in the chest with a shotgun by Rahad] Come on, you puppies!
[Rahad racks his shotgun and fires at Dirk and Reed]
Rahad Jackson: It's
comin' down for puppies!
Eddie Adams: Jack, I was thinking about my name, y'know?
Jack Horner: Yeah?
Eddie Adams: I was wondering if you had any ideas.
Jack Horner: I've got a few, but you tell me.
Eddie Adams: Well, my idea was, y'know, I want a name, I want it so it can cut glass, y'know, razor sharp.
Jack Horner: Tell me.
Eddie Adams: When I close my eyes, I see this thing, a sign, I see this name in bright blue neon lights with a purple outline. And this name is so bright and so sharp that the sign - it just blows up because the name is so powerful... It says, "Dirk Diggler."
Reed Rothchild: Have you seen that Star Wars movie?
Eddie Adams: Yeah, I've seen it four times.
Reed Rothchild: You know, people tell me I kind of look like Han Solo.
[Little Bill discovers his wife having sex for a group of spectators]
Little Bill: What the fuck are you doing?
Little Bill's wife: Go away, Bill, you're embarrassing me.
Jack Horner: Do these characters have a name?
Dirk: The guy's name is Brock Landers.
Reed Rothchild: And his partner is Chest Rockwell.
Jack Horner: Those are some great names.
Colonel James: I'm looking forward to seeing you in action. Jack says you've got a great big cock.
Eddie Adams: Well, I don't know, I guess so.
Colonel James: May I see it?
Eddie Adams: Really?
Colonel James: Please!
[stares as Eddie lowers his shorts]
Colonel
James: Thank you, Eddie!
Eddie Adams: No problem.
[the Colonel continue to stare as Eddie walks away]
Young Stud: [sobbing] This is TWICE in two days that a chick has OD'd on me!
Colonel James: [rapidly] Well, do you think this means that maybe ya, oughta think about getting some new shit? Whaddya ya think?
Young Stud: [contritely] Yes, sir.
Colonel James: Ah.
Dirk: Look, man, all we need is the tapes, all right?
Record Producer: No, you don't get the tapes until you've paid.
Dirk: In our situation, that doesn't make any fucking sense.
Reed Rothchild: Look, we can not pay for the tapes, unless we take the tapes to the record company, and get paid.
Dirk: Hello? Exactly.
Record Producer: That's not an MP, that's a YP, your problem. Come up with the money, or forget it.
Reed Rothchild: Okay, now you're talking above my head. I don't know all of this industry jargon, YP, MP. All I know is that I can't get a record contract, we cannot get a record contract unless we take those
tapes to the record company. And granted, the tapes themselves are a uh um oh, you own them, all right, but the magic that is on those tapes. That fucking heart and soul that we put onto those tapes, that is ours and you don't own that. Now I need to take that magic and get it over the record company. And they're waiting for us, we were supposed to be there a half hour ago. We look like assholes,
man.
Dirk: Let me explain to him in simple arithmetic. One, two three! Because you don't fuckin' get it, Burt! You give us the tapes. We get the record contract. We come back and give you your fuckin' money. Have you heard the tapes? Have you even heard them? We're guaranteed a record deal. Our stuff is that good!
Record Producer: Now I get it. Now I
understand. You want it to happen... but it's not going to happen. Because it's a Catch-22.
Dirk: What the fuck does that mean? What is a Catch-22, Burt?
Record Producer: Catch-22, gentleman. Think about it.
[pause]
Dirk: You know what I'm thinking about, man? I'm thinking about kicking some fuckin' ass!