Governor Lepetomane: Thank you, Hedy, thank you
Hedley Lamarr: It's not *Hedy*, it's *Hedley*. Hedley Lamarr.
Governor Lepetomane: What the hell are you worried about? This is 1874. You'll be able to sue *her*.
Taggart: Send a wire to the main office and tell them I said...
[Bart whacks him with a shovel]
Taggart: OW!
Lyle: [writing] Send wire, main office, tell them I said "ow". Gotcha!
Hedley Lamarr: Men, you are about to embark on a great crusade to stamp out runaway decency in the west. Now you men will only be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor.
Lili Von Shtupp: Tell me, schatze, is it twue what they say about the way you people are... gifted?
[sound of zipper opening]
Lili Von Shtupp: Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!
Jim: Uh-oh, Bart. I think Mongo here's taken a liking to you.
Mongo: Huh-huh, naw, Mongo straight.
Bart: What's your name?
Jim: Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim.
Hedley Lamarr: My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.
Taggart: Ditto.
Hedley Lamarr: "Ditto?" "Ditto," you provincial putz?
Bart: Sir, he specifically requested two "niggers". Well, to tell the family secret, my grandmother was Dutch.
Buddy Bizarre: What in the hell do you think you're doing here? This is a closed set!
Taggart: Piss on you! I'm working for Mel Brooks!
[winds up to punch Buddy]
Buddy Bizarre: Not in the face!
[Taggart punches Buddy in the stomach]
Buddy Bizarre: [collapsing] Thank you...
Taggart: I got it! I know how we can run everyone out of Rock Ridge.
Hedley Lamarr: How?
Taggart: We'll kill the first born male child in every household.
Hedley Lamarr: [after some consideration] Too Jewish.
Jim: Look at my hand.
[raises hand and holds it level]
Bart: Steady as a rock.
Jim: [raises his other hand, which is violently trembling] Yeah, but I shoot with this one.
Rev. Johnson: Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving.
[Jim downs a bottle of whiskey in one long guzzle]
Bart: A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to DIE.
Jim: [eagerly] When?
[recalling his gunfighting career]
Jim: I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.
[Taggart spots Bart and Charlie on a hand-cart sinking into quicksand]
Taggart: Oh, shit. Quicksand!
[lassos the hand-cart and drags it but not the men out of the quicksand]
Taggart: Dang, that was lucky. Doggone near lost a four hundred dollar handcar.
