Receptionist: I can't resist! You usually move through here so quickly and I just have so many questions I want to ask you. You have no idea what your work means to me.
Melvin Udall: What does it mean to you?
Receptionist: [stands up] When somebody out there knows what it's like...
[place one hand on her forehead and the other
over her heart]
Receptionist: ... to be in here.
Melvin Udall: Oh God, this is like a nightmare.
[Turns around and presses the elevator button multiple times]
Receptionist: Oh come on! Just a couple of questions. How hard is that?
[Scampers up to Melvin]
Receptionist: How do you write
women so well?
Melvin Udall: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.
Melvin Udall: Hey, I've got a great compliment for you.
Carol Connelly: You know what? I...
Melvin Udall: Just let me... let me talk. I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how
you are with Spencer, "Spence," and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I
get it makes me feel good... about me.
[beat]
Melvin Udall: Is that something that's bad for you to be around... for you?
Carol Connelly: [moved] No.
Carol Connelly: We all have these terrible stories to get over, and you...
Melvin Udall: It's not true. Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad,
but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
[pause]
Carol Connelly: No. I don't think so.
Simon Bishop: Not it at all, really.
Melvin Udall: [answers the door] Is he dead yet?
Nora: No... Would there be any way that you would be willing to walk his dog for him?
Melvin Udall: Absolutely.
Nora: You're a wonderful man. Two o'clock would be a good time, and here is the key in case he is asleep. Open his curtains for him so he can see
God's beautiful work, and he'll know that even things like this happen for the best.
Melvin Udall: [beat] Where did they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City "sailor wanna hump-hump" bar? Or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here.
Melvin Udall: People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.
Melvin Udall: Never, never, interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're going to faint. Even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election
night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudgepacker that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he's going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock. Not on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?
Simon Bishop: [clears his throat] Uhm,
yes. It's not a... subtle point that you're making.
Melvin Udall: Okay then.
[Shuts door in Simon's face]
Melvin Udall: [sitting in the bar alone after Carol storms out, talking to the bartender] The next thing I know, she's sitting right there next to me. Well, it's not right to go into details... I got nervous. I screwed up. I said the wrong thing, where if I hadn't, I could be in bed right now with a woman who if you make her laugh you got a life. Instead, I'm here with you: no
offense, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.
Melvin Udall: [enters his psychiatrist's office] Hi.
[shuts door]
Melvin Udall: *Help!*
Dr. Green: If you want to see me, you will not do this. You will make an appointment.
Melvin Udall: Dr. Green, how can you diagnose someone as an obsessive compulsive disorder, and then act like I have some choice
about barging in here?
Melvin Udall: Can I ask you a personal question?
Simon Bishop: Sure.
Melvin Udall: You ever get an erection over a woman?
Simon Bishop: Melvin...
Melvin Udall: I mean, wouldn't your life be easier if you weren't...
Simon Bishop: You consider your life easy?
Melvin Udall: [pause] All right, I give you that one.
Dr. Martin Bettes: [looking over Spencer's medical records] Have they done blood tests on him?
Carol Connelly: [laughs bitterly] Yeah.
Dr. Martin Bettes: Only in the emergency room, or when he was well?
Carol Connelly: Emergency room only.
Dr. Martin Bettes: Okay. And how about skin
testing for allergies?
Carol Connelly: No.
Dr. Martin Bettes: [looks up] No standard scratch test, they poke him with a needle...?
Carol Connelly: No. I asked, they said it wasn't covered under my plan and that it wasn't necessary anyways. Why, should they have?
Dr. Martin Bettes: Well...
Carol Connelly: [beat] Fucking HMO bastard pieces of shit!
Beverly Connelly: Carol!
Carol Connelly: I'm sorry.
Dr. Martin Bettes: It's okay. Actually, I think that's their technical name.