Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.
Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.
Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.
Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.
Life - a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.
There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.
Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.
