Captain Dickson: Teenage the fuck up!
Schmidt: When did I get stabbed? That's awesome!
Jenko: I would choke the shit out of Glee if I could... if Glee was a person.
Jenko: I'm sorry, I just can't sometimes.
Jenko: [after seeing Schmidt for the first time since high school] Not-So-Slim Shady? What's up, dude?
Jenko: Let's just finger each other's mouths.
Schmidt: We're like, in the end of "Die Hard" right now, only it's our actual life!
Schmidt: Lets make a baby!
Captain Dickson: They teenagers, man. They really stupid.
Captain Dickson: Clearly, I wasn't talking to you, big titties! You cherub-lookin' mother fucker!
Mr. Walters: I need me some Doug McQuaid.
Schmidt: I think I shit my pants.
Eric Molson: You're a cop. You lied to me.
Schmidt: I'm sorry, man.
Eric Molson: But you bought us Taco Bell.
Mr. Walters: That's my quesadilla!
Mr. Gordon: You'll never know what you can't achieve, until you don't achieve it.
Eric Molson: You made me this friendship bracelet.
Jenko: Well he's not really your friend, he was pretending the whole time.
Eric Molson: I'm gonna cut this the fuck off later alright!
Tom Hanson: [in disguise, regarding Schmidt and Jenko] If they're cops, I'm DEA.
Jenko: Fuck you, Miles Davis!
Tom Hanson: Tom Hanson, DEA!
