I'm not working at the Chevron, although I'd probably be the best person to work the night shift. Look at me. Nobody would try to steal a Snickers on my watch.
If you're presented with choices that steer you toward your worst instincts, that's what you'll choose. If I'm presented with Snickers bars, I won't necessarily seek out kale.
Ted: [Finishing ringing up a customer at his check-out line] There we go. Thank you very much. Please come again. We have a lot more groceries.
[Ted turns around and sits down. He notices Tami-Lynn on the other end of the check-out counter]
Ted: Hey, uh, hey Ellen.
Ellen: Yeah?
Ted: Who's that over
there?
Ellen: [Turns around to see Tami-Lynn before turning back to Ted] Oh, that's the new check-out girl. Don't know her name, seems cute.
Ted: Yeah, very cute. Do you know what I'd like to do to her? Something I call a Dirty Fozzie.
[Ted gets up on his counter and waves at Tami-Lynn, who smiles and waves back at him. They blow kisses at
each other. He dry-humps the credit card machine, making her giggle. He then simulates oral sex with a Snickers bar, making her laugh further. Ted then squirts bottles of lotion on his face to simulate bukkake, causing her to stare blankly at him]
Ted: Okay, all right, so that's where we'll draw the line.
Donny: You know Ted, when I was a little boy, I saw you on television. And I thought you were the most amazing, most wonderful thing I'd ever seen, ever. And I asked my dad if I could have a magically little teddy bear, too. And he said, "No."
Ted: Can you just email me the rest of this story?
Donny: And I was so heartbroken. And I
promised myself that if I ever had a son, I would never, ever, ever say no to him. Ever.
Ted: Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt.
Sovereign Operator: [before the Ravager ship is about to explode, Taserface calls the Sovereign] Who is this?
Taserface: I am sending you the coordinates for Yondu's ship. I only ask one thing. That your High Priestess, tell him the name of the man what sealed his fate... Taserface.
[the Operator snickers and erupts into laughter; Taserface groans as the ship
explodes]